I am not too proud to pilfer a line from a Dolly Parton Song, but if you don't want to listen to it yourself, I will spell it out for you.
You will have many opportunities to do things in your life. I mean get up off the couch and go kind of things, take a risk kind of things, try something new or even a little scary kind of things. Try out for a local tennis club. Take a poetry writing class. Go out on a blind date. Eat chicken feet. Take a trip to a strange and exotic country. Go hang-gliding. Introduce yourself to that cute kid next door. Go to the Dance. Jump off the High Dive. Get the Henna Tattoo. You get the picture.
Much of the time we miss these opportunities. We tell ourselves we are too busy, or we wouldn't like it (or they wouldn't like us), or we just let the time pass until it is too late. Really we were just too chicken to try this new thing, to take the risk of looking like an idiot.
I don't know about you, but in my life, almost all of my regrets haven't been things I tried that didn't go well (and there have been plenty, but now they are mostly funny to me). What I regret the most are those opportunities to try something that I passed on. I will never know how they might have turned out, who I might have met, what adventures or miseries I have missed.
To be Crystal Clear: I am NOT saying you now have my Blessing to engage in any risky behavior you can Dream up. This is not Carte Blanche to start using Heroin, or try that Cross-Atlantic hot air Balloon trip. If something has a good chance of killing you, leaving you brain damaged, or getting you arrested for a long time then it is probably a good idea to avoid it.
But most of the things we avoid are actually pretty safe. A new food is really unlikely to hurt you too bad. If other people eat it and seem OK, then you will likely survive as well. If you try windsurfing in front of a beach full of people and fall about a thousand times, I can tell you from experience you will definitely look stupid, but seriously, So What? I promise you that other people spend much less time and energy thinking about you than you worry about. You can be the kid who threw up in the Lunchroom one day, but other than a good laugh or two, people will stop caring in the time it takes them to update their own Facebook status. Everyone you know thinks so much more about themselves than they think about you, and if you realize this you can free yourself from your imaginary shackles of self consciousness and Let Go. Who cares if you are a goof, or if that girl or guy laughs at you when you ask them out. Don't let what other people might think of you hold you back from trying things that might turn out to be fun or just a really good story one day.
When faced with a new (and intimidating) opportunity try imagining yourself at 97 years old, all wrinkled and diapered up on some hospital bed waiting to die, reminiscing about your life. What will you be more likely to remember fondly, you trying this new thing (and maybe risking an Epic Fail) or just sitting there on your Butt and watching one more Drake & Josh re-run? Sorry Drake & Josh.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Sunday, April 7, 2013
You Are Alive
If that notion doesn't amaze you, then you aren't thinking.
Out of all the galaxies, all the stars and planets that exist in this unimaginably humongous Universe, this Earth had just the right balance of temperature, light, and elements to support life.
Across millions and millions of years, through all the evolutionary struggles, Every Single One of Your Ancestors (from protozoa to fish to mammals to primates) managed to mate and have offspring or you wouldn't be here!
Out of more than 40 million (and perhaps many more) possible sperm, only one wriggly guy (that makes up half of your DNA) reached and fertilized your mother's egg. If any other sperm made it first, you would not exist. If any small detail of either of your parents' lives or their parents' lives (and on back forever) was different enough to cause them to not be together at that exact moment they made you, you would not exist.
The odds of you being here now on this earth are so infinitesimal I do not have enough time left to type all the zeros after the decimal point it would take, even if that is all I did for the rest of my days.
If the science doesn't boggle your mind, then try this: go outside now and stand there looking all around you. See everything you can see. Look at the sky, the earth, trees, bits of stone or sand or concrete or dirt made up of tinier and tinier bits of material that all fit together just so. Look at other people or animals or ants or even a fly. Imagine you could see them all blown up giant sized- all the amazing details of their skin, their eyes. Imagine you could see inside, the blood pumping through them, the clockwork scaffolding of their muscles and bones (or exoskeletons) as they move or creep or fly. Imagine their brains, their minds made up of jellied fibers and chemicals and electricity. Notice your own body. Feel the air move in and out of your lungs and the tug of gravity on your limbs. Imagine the world as a globe spinning under your feet hundreds of miles an hour. Imagine looking down from a point somewhere just above your head and now zoom out and out and out until your figure is lost and all you see are postage stamp sized plots of land then continents of land then a spinning blue marble against the dark star speckled cosmos.
I don't care how you think all this came to be, your life right here right now is a Miracle.
Out of all the galaxies, all the stars and planets that exist in this unimaginably humongous Universe, this Earth had just the right balance of temperature, light, and elements to support life.
Across millions and millions of years, through all the evolutionary struggles, Every Single One of Your Ancestors (from protozoa to fish to mammals to primates) managed to mate and have offspring or you wouldn't be here!
Out of more than 40 million (and perhaps many more) possible sperm, only one wriggly guy (that makes up half of your DNA) reached and fertilized your mother's egg. If any other sperm made it first, you would not exist. If any small detail of either of your parents' lives or their parents' lives (and on back forever) was different enough to cause them to not be together at that exact moment they made you, you would not exist.
The odds of you being here now on this earth are so infinitesimal I do not have enough time left to type all the zeros after the decimal point it would take, even if that is all I did for the rest of my days.
If the science doesn't boggle your mind, then try this: go outside now and stand there looking all around you. See everything you can see. Look at the sky, the earth, trees, bits of stone or sand or concrete or dirt made up of tinier and tinier bits of material that all fit together just so. Look at other people or animals or ants or even a fly. Imagine you could see them all blown up giant sized- all the amazing details of their skin, their eyes. Imagine you could see inside, the blood pumping through them, the clockwork scaffolding of their muscles and bones (or exoskeletons) as they move or creep or fly. Imagine their brains, their minds made up of jellied fibers and chemicals and electricity. Notice your own body. Feel the air move in and out of your lungs and the tug of gravity on your limbs. Imagine the world as a globe spinning under your feet hundreds of miles an hour. Imagine looking down from a point somewhere just above your head and now zoom out and out and out until your figure is lost and all you see are postage stamp sized plots of land then continents of land then a spinning blue marble against the dark star speckled cosmos.
I don't care how you think all this came to be, your life right here right now is a Miracle.
Appreciating the Now
Appreciating is the counterpoint to Wanting. Sure, I hope you can enjoy the deliciousness of Wanting without feeling greedy or being fooled into thinking every Want demands immediate satisfaction. But the Zen side of Wanting is Appreciating the Now.
Here is the Zen part. All you ever really have is right Now. Yesterday, last week, last year are gone. You can say you have memories, but memories are really something you are doing (remembering) at this very moment. Memories don't exist outside of you remembering. In the same way, tomorrow isn't here yet and in a sense will always be in the future. You follow this, don't you?
Wanting, Remembering, Planning, Anticipating, Worrying are all things you do (at any given Now moment of time) to try and imagine the future or past in the current moment. All of these functions can be very useful (and sometimes enjoyable), but even these kinds of imaginings can only happen right Now.
So if all you really have (and ever will have) is Now, don't you think you should try to appreciate it?
This seemingly simple idea is strangely difficult to do, without practice. Some people suggest focusing on the sensations of your body and your breath to connect with your physical self in the current moment. Can you feel yourself breathe in and out? Can you feel the thick carpet under the soles of your feet, or hear the sounds of birds or the rhythmic hum of the refrigerator? Do you notice the patterns of clouds in the sky or the movement of the leaves of the tree you can see out of your window?
There is also the Appreciation of what you are doing right Now. Are you studying for a test? Then be aware of your desire to learn and let your mind focus on the words and ideas - your thoughts, your understanding of the concepts you are taking in. Are you walking your dog? Then notice your pet, the leash, the feel of sun on your skin, the sound of the approaching car. Are you reminiscing? Then notice yourself reminiscing and Appreciate your mind's ability to remember a time that is past, and people who are gone or changed and to feel all the things you feel Now, as you recall these events in your mind's eye.
And there is the Appreciation of what you have right Now. Maybe you crave a new baseball bat, but right now you can enjoy swinging the bat you have Now. Don't let your desire for the bat of the future take away from your pleasure Now of swinging your bat that you can hold in your hands. More important, I think, is to enjoy the people who are important to you right Now. You can connect with distant friends with a text or a call, or you can sit and talk with someone who can be with you in the same room.
And then of course there is the Big Daddy of Things to Appreciate: the Realization that you are Alive.
Here is the Zen part. All you ever really have is right Now. Yesterday, last week, last year are gone. You can say you have memories, but memories are really something you are doing (remembering) at this very moment. Memories don't exist outside of you remembering. In the same way, tomorrow isn't here yet and in a sense will always be in the future. You follow this, don't you?
Wanting, Remembering, Planning, Anticipating, Worrying are all things you do (at any given Now moment of time) to try and imagine the future or past in the current moment. All of these functions can be very useful (and sometimes enjoyable), but even these kinds of imaginings can only happen right Now.
So if all you really have (and ever will have) is Now, don't you think you should try to appreciate it?
This seemingly simple idea is strangely difficult to do, without practice. Some people suggest focusing on the sensations of your body and your breath to connect with your physical self in the current moment. Can you feel yourself breathe in and out? Can you feel the thick carpet under the soles of your feet, or hear the sounds of birds or the rhythmic hum of the refrigerator? Do you notice the patterns of clouds in the sky or the movement of the leaves of the tree you can see out of your window?
There is also the Appreciation of what you are doing right Now. Are you studying for a test? Then be aware of your desire to learn and let your mind focus on the words and ideas - your thoughts, your understanding of the concepts you are taking in. Are you walking your dog? Then notice your pet, the leash, the feel of sun on your skin, the sound of the approaching car. Are you reminiscing? Then notice yourself reminiscing and Appreciate your mind's ability to remember a time that is past, and people who are gone or changed and to feel all the things you feel Now, as you recall these events in your mind's eye.
And there is the Appreciation of what you have right Now. Maybe you crave a new baseball bat, but right now you can enjoy swinging the bat you have Now. Don't let your desire for the bat of the future take away from your pleasure Now of swinging your bat that you can hold in your hands. More important, I think, is to enjoy the people who are important to you right Now. You can connect with distant friends with a text or a call, or you can sit and talk with someone who can be with you in the same room.
And then of course there is the Big Daddy of Things to Appreciate: the Realization that you are Alive.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Wanting
Wanting (things, people, whatever...) must have evolved to help us get things we need. Food, Warmth, Sex, the new Iphone. If our distant ancestors didn't feel some internal drive to get these things we wouldn't be here now, right? So a Want feels like a hunger, a deep aching need to Get the satisfaction of that which we so crave. You know the expression "I want it so bad I can almost taste it!"
Here is the strange thing: that aching Want is actually more natural, more dependable than Getting.
I am not really against Getting. I enjoy many kinds of Getting and I bet you do too. A big smile from that cute kid you like, your favorite meal, the big present wrapped in the shiny paper. But there is a big problem with every Getting - that moment of pleasure, that satisfaction of the Want is great but it is fleeting. You know exactly what I mean. Think of the afternoon after Christmas when all the presents are opened, or the evening after the Thanksgiving meal, or the last day of summer break.
The pleasures of Wanting, however, are nearly infinite.
We have all indulged in the exquisite torment of planning for what we would do if we won the lottery. We imagine our perfect meal, or perfect date, or perfect game. Planning a trip or shopping for a car (if you can afford it) can be more exciting than the actual trip or car.
Why is this? Because Wanting is our natural state.
When we are young we want to be older; when we are older we want to be young again. When we are poor we want money; when we have money we want "the simple life."
We are born Wanting and I imagine most of us die Wanting. Wanting is part of living (and Wanting isn't necessarily selfish either, as most of us want good things for each other, our loved ones, humanity).
I make this point because I think we are misguided when we assume that we need to rush to satisfy every Want as soon as possible. Slow down, and savor your Wanting. Some Wants can be better than their satisfaction, and other Wants are never meant to be satisfied.
Here is the strange thing: that aching Want is actually more natural, more dependable than Getting.
I am not really against Getting. I enjoy many kinds of Getting and I bet you do too. A big smile from that cute kid you like, your favorite meal, the big present wrapped in the shiny paper. But there is a big problem with every Getting - that moment of pleasure, that satisfaction of the Want is great but it is fleeting. You know exactly what I mean. Think of the afternoon after Christmas when all the presents are opened, or the evening after the Thanksgiving meal, or the last day of summer break.
The pleasures of Wanting, however, are nearly infinite.
We have all indulged in the exquisite torment of planning for what we would do if we won the lottery. We imagine our perfect meal, or perfect date, or perfect game. Planning a trip or shopping for a car (if you can afford it) can be more exciting than the actual trip or car.
Why is this? Because Wanting is our natural state.
When we are young we want to be older; when we are older we want to be young again. When we are poor we want money; when we have money we want "the simple life."
We are born Wanting and I imagine most of us die Wanting. Wanting is part of living (and Wanting isn't necessarily selfish either, as most of us want good things for each other, our loved ones, humanity).
I make this point because I think we are misguided when we assume that we need to rush to satisfy every Want as soon as possible. Slow down, and savor your Wanting. Some Wants can be better than their satisfaction, and other Wants are never meant to be satisfied.
Monday, April 1, 2013
The Secret of Getting Older
OK, getting older is pretty crummy in a lot of ways. You will get lumpy, saggy, achey, and you will be boggled by technology that toddlers use intuitively.
But the very best thing about getting older, the thing that makes up for all of the other stuff is this: as you get older you realize that you don't really have to care what other people think of you.
I can remember feeling so painfully aware of almost every social interaction. How I dressed, how I looked, what I said or didn't say were all so very important that I might ruminate over the most minute details while I lay in bed each night. And it didn't just seem important what other kids thought of me, it really was important. Reputation and Social Hierarchy ruled almost every interaction. We are certainly primates through and through.
But getting older lets you bypass all this, and here is how: It is not because as you age you have more power or less power (both are true). It is because as you get older you begin to realize you will die someday. Maybe not someday soon, but certainly sooner than it used to be.
And while this is scary and a little sad, it is also tremendously freeing.
Because once you realize that your time on this earth is limited, you begin to appreciate how valuable it really is. Each day, even the rainy ones, are small treasures that will just pass and you begin to want to slow them all down and notice every detail you can. The way the light reflected on her hair, the sound of dry leaves crunching under your shoes, the delightful tickle of light fingertips brushing softly against your skin.
And more than this, you begin to stop worrying so much about beating other people, getting what they've got, or even more and more and more. Instead you start to notice lots of small things about people (almost everyone) that make you smile, or breaks your heart just a little. You see that others' happiness and sorrow are really just like yours, and it makes it so much easier to love them - all of them - at least some of the time. They are dying too, just like you are, and they way they all keep going will seem almost brave to you.
I know you don't exactly believe me, but try to imagine it if you can...
But the very best thing about getting older, the thing that makes up for all of the other stuff is this: as you get older you realize that you don't really have to care what other people think of you.
I can remember feeling so painfully aware of almost every social interaction. How I dressed, how I looked, what I said or didn't say were all so very important that I might ruminate over the most minute details while I lay in bed each night. And it didn't just seem important what other kids thought of me, it really was important. Reputation and Social Hierarchy ruled almost every interaction. We are certainly primates through and through.
But getting older lets you bypass all this, and here is how: It is not because as you age you have more power or less power (both are true). It is because as you get older you begin to realize you will die someday. Maybe not someday soon, but certainly sooner than it used to be.
And while this is scary and a little sad, it is also tremendously freeing.
Because once you realize that your time on this earth is limited, you begin to appreciate how valuable it really is. Each day, even the rainy ones, are small treasures that will just pass and you begin to want to slow them all down and notice every detail you can. The way the light reflected on her hair, the sound of dry leaves crunching under your shoes, the delightful tickle of light fingertips brushing softly against your skin.
And more than this, you begin to stop worrying so much about beating other people, getting what they've got, or even more and more and more. Instead you start to notice lots of small things about people (almost everyone) that make you smile, or breaks your heart just a little. You see that others' happiness and sorrow are really just like yours, and it makes it so much easier to love them - all of them - at least some of the time. They are dying too, just like you are, and they way they all keep going will seem almost brave to you.
I know you don't exactly believe me, but try to imagine it if you can...
Why?
Ford and Morgan, I have started writing this for you.
OK, I know what you are thinking: you have spent your whole lives listening to all kinds of useless stuff from me, why would you want to have to hear it all again?
But here is what I am counting on - that if I write down my thoughts and hopes and even advice for you, then someday in the future you might look at this, and think about these things for yourself. Of course, I also hope you remember some of the best of me, and laugh a little too.
I love you both more than you will know, at least until you have kids of your own.
Dad.
OK, I know what you are thinking: you have spent your whole lives listening to all kinds of useless stuff from me, why would you want to have to hear it all again?
But here is what I am counting on - that if I write down my thoughts and hopes and even advice for you, then someday in the future you might look at this, and think about these things for yourself. Of course, I also hope you remember some of the best of me, and laugh a little too.
I love you both more than you will know, at least until you have kids of your own.
Dad.
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