I used to be confused by the notion of "Detachment." I had heard this was the goal of meditative practices - to detach from the "self" and even from the world. So many philosophers and theologians exhort us to "detach" from the physical in order to get in touch with the spiritual, the truth that exists behind the facade of daily life.
I liked the mystical quality of this - kinda like the beginning of the Matrix movie, when Neo realizes that what he thought was real was really virtual - his apartment, his job, his city, even his gravity and time were really a digital simulation of sorts. Interestingly, there are some far-out-there theories in physics that suggest that time and space and matter do not really exist like we see them either, and that perhaps everything is a kind of projection, a hologram of some underlying code that simply exists.
OK. Interesting stuff in a kind of trippy way. But what are we supposed to do with this?
Obviously, we can only experience the world now in one way, a physical place with time moving in one direction, and gravity keeping us on this spinning orb so we do not float off into space. In a practical way it does not really matter to me if time and gravity are real or virtual, they seem to be facts of my day to day life.
And more than that, are we really meant to detach from everything? We are told to love each other, to cherish the earth, to care for the sick and needy, to treat each other with respect and to value justice and fairness. How can you value all these things, how can you love every person, or even yourself, if you achieve some perfect form of "detachment?" Isn't love a kind of attachment, the best kind of attachment? Should we try to stop loving others, or even ourselves? This seems crazy and counter intuitive.
I do not think that to goal of "detachment" is is kind of cutting off or separation from yourself or the world. I do not want to live the rest of my life as a hermit/aesthete living alone in blissful meditation in a dark cave somewhere.
I think "detachment" is about realizing the that physical world of things is not as all important as it first seems to us. One good first step towards this is understanding that we never really can "own" or "possess" anything, except perhaps the choices that we make in this life (which may be the purpose of free will, but that is another discussion). We may enjoy some of the marvels of this world, but trying to hold on to them, to keep them all for ourselves will ultimately end in vain failure.
Think of how much human history, the history of nations, or even your own personal history is based on the idea that you can find, accumulate, and keep things you value. We "get" grades, so we can "get" a job, so we can "get" money, that allows us to "buy and own" things. We then try to "keep" these things, and work hard to keep others from "taking" them from us. So much of our time and worry is about accumulation and ownership of land, of resources, of gold, of oil, of money. Much of our recorded history is the bloody story of this very human obsession, and it makes sense, as in antiquity (and in some of the poorest parts of the world even today, sadly) having access to these things often was the difference between survival and death. A grand darwinian competition. Of course, I want you to have have access to enough money and resources that you can live mainly comfortable lives, and support your families, and enjoy many of the pleasures of this life. But I'm sure you have seen some people who seem to obsessively sacrifice so much of their lives and their morality to accumulating more and more and more stuff. I know several people, people who were once my close friends, who now seem to live to make more and more money, though they have more than they will ever spend. I also know people who become so fearful of "losing" their money, that they have become paranoid greedy misers, forever anticipating that around every corner there lurks an enemy that is coming to take their stuff away from them. These people seem to be the most unhappy of people, so why do they act and feel so self-centered and miserable?
I think in this, as in so many things, we are victims of our evolutionary past.
For so much of human history, it was rare that a person or a family could amass enough food or resources to guard against future calamity, and that those of us who did a better job preparing for the future tended to survive the bad times (hmmm, anyone thinking about coronavirus?).
So now, there is a deep drive within us, a feeling that no matter what we have, that we need more. What we have now is not enough. Our food, our toilet paper, our retirement account, all of these could be depleted or lost and we could be homeless and on the street. And I suppose this is always possible.
And on a deeper psychological level underneath everything is our knowledge that death is coming for us. The ultimate calamity. Wow, that sounds bleak. But think about it, it is true. You know you will one day die. There is no avoiding it. You can try to forget it, but still for many it drives a great deal of our unconscious behavior. For too many people, this unconscious fear/knowledge, the certainty of their future death, becomes the one thing they desperately imagine they can prevent, if only they stockpile enough stuff. This is nothing new - think Tutankhamon, or Viking funerals. But nowadays, we use home shopping network or 401Ks for the same purpose, to imagine that we can hold off death by clinging to things, like a life preserver in a cold dark ocean.
But think about this - what does it mean to "have" things? Sure you paid money to someone for your car, let's say, and you have a piece of paper that says it is yours, and you can park it at your place. You can use it (mostly how you want). But someone else can take it, it can stop working, it can fall apart, and one day someone else may use "own" it. Using it is part of your life now, but it will not be forever. Your clothes, your house, even your haircut are all the same in this regard. We may grow really fond of these things in our lives, but we rarely use them forever, and they never really become an integral part of us, because they can't. Saying I own my car is like saying I own my job. I am accustomed and really like my job, but I can not know that it will be in my life forever, it is more something I do now, not something permanent.
Money too, is not own-able in a permanent way really. In fact, money is not really anything but a socially agreed upon notion to allow us to barter more efficiently (and also to encourage our natural tendencies for hoarding, for better and worse). Money is not a really thing, but a symbol of barter, a potential action. So it is good to have some money as it opens up all kinds of potential actions and even a little security in an uncertain life, but THAT IS ALL IT IS. It is not an end in itself. When I was a kid I had a friend who collected old rare beer cans, and I thought it was kinda cool. But over time I realized that he amassed more and more beer cans, could only talk about beer cans, only think about beer cans. What can one person really do with 3000 beer cans? After a few minutes of looking at them, you are done. And he didn't even drink beer.... Over time our obsessions with "owning" things (or accumulating money) begins to be feel like an end itself, instead of a means to an end, and we are more "owned" by these obsessions than we can own them.
Likewise, we do not own time (though we like to count it endlessly as if we could own it), happiness, our own health, even other's perceptions of us. Our behaviors may influence these things, but we do not possess them.
And of course we can not own others. You may love someone dearly, but they are not yours. If you are lucky they will choose to spend time with you, but there is no controlling other people. You will see how hard it is one day to control even the littlest of children, I think.
Nor do we own our dreams or our feelings or our ideas either. We experience them, but we can not hold them in our hands without them slipping through our fingers.
How strange to think that so much of who you are is not in your control or possession. Except, I think, what you choose to do. But even our actions, once they are done, are not able to be held-on to, as the present so quickly becomes the past, and moves on.
I think a better way to approach our lives is like we would approach an invitation to a great feast or celebration, full of all kinds of people, foods, music and conversation. We can focus on the rude guest or the fact that the cheesecake is running out, and have a miserable time. We can park ourselves in front of the communal bowl of shrimp and try to eat them all before anyone else can get them (sorry Mormor). We can even constantly look at our watches, dreading or hoping the meal will be over soon. But we will be happier if we see the truth of the situation: this great buffet will not last forever - we are here and we have free will to choose what to eat, who to talk to, and even to some extent whether we treasure our time here or bemoan it. We have been given an opportunity to sample many things, and learn from our experiences, and we have some time to share this feast with others if we choose. Let's just enjoy looking at the ice sculpture on the dessert table - trying to take it home for ourselves will leave us with a sad puddle of water.
Saturday, April 18, 2020
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
Intimacy, Love and Sex (not in that order)
OK, ok, this is awkward I know, but I won't get too explicit here. These words are sometimes used interchangeably, but I think they are related yet different. Still, they are all forms of "being together" with someone. I think we all want some of each, but it helps to be clear about how these are related but different things. Let's start with the easiest one.
Sex
For something so hardwired into our brains (and necessary for all life on the planet) it seems strange this one causes so much anxiety. If people didn't like having sex, there wouldn't be any people.Still, the problems really are related to two big issues: 1) in some cases sex makes babies, and that is not always convenient and 2) there are many people you might think are attractive, but you shouldn't have sex with. Mostly because it would complicate that or other relationships. Clearly if we all had sex with everyone we found sexy eventually society would fall into ruin. And anyway there would be no time for anything else, like food or politics, or video games. If you can accept and work around these two issues there should be no problem. Sadly some people don't seem to be able to realize who they should avoid having sex with, but really it is common sense. If you don't know this already, you can't learn it from me. Oh I guess there are STDs too, but you should know about that already, and take precautions, right?
The rest of sex is really about not taking yourself too seriously, not trying to be a porn star, and being playful. And communicating. All of these get much easier the older you get, which is why sex gets better for most people (up to a point, I guess). Oh, one other little thing, sex without Love will make you sad and lonely. Sorry Tinder.
Love
I have met lots of people who tell me they don't know what love is. They point out the word means so many different things - affection, concern about others, desire, passion. How can you feel the same thing for your significant other, your dog and your mother? But I think they are fooling themselves. Of course we all know what love is - it is that feeling that this other person (or pet, whatever) truly matters to you, that their well being is important to you (sometimes even more important to you than your own). It is like there is some invisible chord connecting you, and that whether you like it or not you are stuck with them. Falling out of love is like that chord shriveling up, and it hurts when that happens, and feels like a part of you is dying.Love is not infatuation (we all know what that is), nor does it always require liking everything about the other person. Strangely, it does not require the other person love you back.
Without love we can not grow. I don't mean that in some squishy psychobabble way, I mean really. Babies who aren't loved don't develop fully functioning brains and stay really small (and never catch up).
There are a few people who cannot love others at all. They do not look like monsters, they are actually often very charismatic and charming, but you can tell who they are because they only value power, not people.
I think love requires a person (or persons) on the other end. You cannot really love baseball, or a great sandwich, or the Beatles. You may value these things, get excited about them and find purpose in them, but I do not think it is the same as love. More like really strong like. Love is the passion of being connected to another person (or persons).
Not to get too philosophical here, but if you think about it, Love is really required for human beings to exist. Well, sure, sex is required too, but without love for each other, how would we ever work together, sacrifice for the greater good, take care of each other, even appreciate other people. I think this is why the quote from 1 Corinthians is so right: "So now Faith, Hope and Love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is Love."
There is a warning here though. Loving someone, being connected to them, can too easily imply a protective and defensive reaction against the people who could hurt our loved ones, or take our loved ones away from us. This is the way that Love of one person leads to Hate of another. If love is about being connected, then hate is about pushing someone away. This is too easy to do, and requires constant vigilance to avoid.
Love is necessary (but not sufficient) for...
Intimacy
I think this is really knowing another person, and being known by them - it is a two way street. Many of us confuse intimacy with love, and think that once we love someone we should have this too, but that is sadly not the case. Creating intimacy takes lots of time and practice as it is an in-exact science, and only achieved through lots of trial and error. You are very unlikely to take the time to achieve real intimacy with someone you do not love - why bother? But loving someone is not enough.To achieve intimacy, you need to know someone so well, in such ... well... "intimate" detail, that you can construct a version of them in your mind that is very very much like them. Not like you want them to be, but actually like them. This is much harder than you would think and doesn't always last.
Parents usually have a very intimate knowledge of their young children. After all, parents of young kids have been around for almost everything that has happened in their little darlings' lives. As kids grow up, go to camp, to school, make friends, date, leave for college, a parent's intimate knowledge of their kid's life decreases, and this is hard for many parents to accept. You may experience this yourself some day. As a parent you have to accept that one day you only know something about your children, not everything.
Couples can have the same problem. You might feel you know your significant other intimately, but if you aren't careful your version of them can get stuck in the past, and not evolve as they themselves change.
Sex can lead to moments of great intimacy, as any intense sharing of experience can, but once you go your own way that sense of intimacy diminishes. Only months and years of knowing someone else can keep that feeling of closeness from fading too much. And for good or for bad, intimacy is only partial, as we are all ultimately separate and no one can know us perfectly or completely (there is a potential for a religious discussion here, but i will sidestep that).
You might have realized that intimacy requires something from both people. On one hand you must want to really know the other person (good and bad, warts and all), but at the same time to be known you must trust another enough to share almost everything with them. If you keep too much of yourself from someone, they will never be able to know you intimately.
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Starting College 101 (in no particular order):
1) Take an easier schedule your first semester, and ask upperclassman who to take. They know better than advisors.
2) Try to meet lots of new people and try lots of new things. Join at least 2 clubs or teams or cults a semester. Don't worry if you don't like something - you can always drop it. Now is the time to try Salsa dancing, or Crav Maga, or Slam Poetry, or Zen Meditation, or Archery, or....
3) Get up at the same time every day and leave your dorm room. Try to work for 7-8 hours (including classes) without Facebook, or napping, or cat videos. Then try to stop at the same time every day. Never work in your dorm room, that should be a place in the evening for socializing, relaxing, or sleeping.
4) Don't stay up too too late. And no napping, it will screw up your sleep schedule.
5) When you drink, make sure to stop at least an hour before going to bed, and then drink lots of water - you will avoid being too hung over in the morning.
6) Go to all your classes even if it is a waste. If you need to, do work in the back of the class, but skipping creates a slippery slope and you don't want to see where it leads (hint: it's bad). Remember - teachers often change their syllabi and schedules, and you may only hear if you are in class.
7) Go to office hours at least once early in the semester, and introduce yourself to the professor. You will be surprised how often this will help you later when you need it.
8) Get a tutor each semester for your hardest class the second week, and only stop when you are sure you don't need it. Tutoring isn't for slow-peds anymore, it is just a more efficient way to learn.
9) No phone or computer or video games 30min before bed. Keep to a night time ritual that is soothing and calming.
10) Remember you are there to learn, and grades are really epiphenomenal. If you learn the material, you will mostly do fine. Grades are a false economy meant to motivate lazy learners.
11) Sign up for one more class than you intend to take, and drop the one you like least within the first two weeks of school.
12) Find a friend to have ridiculous, deep, philosophical or political conversations with.
13) Find a friend who is very different from you, who you might not normally talk to. Have an open mind.
14) Find a friend who has a characteristic or two you would like to emulate.
15) Remember, your friends don't need to be perfect, or even perfectly dependable, as long as you have a few of them, and you do your best to be a good friend to them, you will usually have someone around when you need them. And don't be silly, when you need help, ASK FOR IT.
16) Use your common sense.
17) Be spontaneous and silly sometimes, and try not worry what people will think of you.
18) Consider doing research at least once.
19) Consider going abroad at least once.
20) Try to get a co-op or a summer job you can call an "internship" as soon as you can. Job experience is incredibly helpful in a number of ways.
21) Take some classes just for fun.
22) Don't forget art. Go to live music, a museum, a poetry reading, or fire spinning. Make something you like, or at least try. Selfies don't count.
23) Don't sleep with someone you can't see yourself loving sometime in the future. Don't fall in love with jerks.
24) If you break up with someone, do it in person, and try to be both honest and kind.
25) If someone breaks up with you, show some character and self-respect. You will feel better about it later.
26) Travel with friends somewhere, or just explore where you live.
27) Exercise regularly, but don't be nuts about it. When you are getting more stressed is the time to exercise more regularly (not less).
28) Learn to love your body (and stop obsessing about every little thing about it, that's so middle school).
29) Study days ahead of time in short repeated spurts, not all at once the night before a test. All nighters are stupid, try to avoid them. I promise you won't do better by making yourself a zombie.
30) Don't use other people's stimulants to stay up or wake up. It is dangerous and dumb.
31) Don't do drugs lightly, if they change the way you think or feel, they are changing your brain's chemistry.
32) You don't have to tell your parents everything, but don't flat out lie to them. If you need help or if life sucks, tell them. They get off on trying to be helpful, even if they don't act like it. You will make them feel useful.
33) Learn to cook something.
34) Eat 3 or 4 times a day, and don't eat just junk.
35) Never weigh yourself, and resist the urge to look in the mirror critically.
36) Don't eat or starve yourself to handle stress or emotions. Eat when you are hungry.
37) Don't be afraid of your emotions. They can't hurt you. You control what you do, not how you feel. If you aren't wild about how you are feeling, don't stress, you will feel differently soon. It is like the weather.
38) Consider journaling about feelings, or dreams, or just your crazy ideas.
39) Don't be afraid to get a counselor or therapist. There is a lot of stuff going on in your life now, and it is smart to get help to sort it all out.
40) Try "to do lists," but keep them short, with only 3-4 things you really need to do on them. Use your calendar on your phone for other reminders.
41) Learn to check your email, and make sure to set up your voice mailbox on your phone. You need to join the adult world, and that means you can't text everyone all the time. Leave messages when calling adults (old people).
42) Get a credit card and use it some, but pay it off in full every month. This will build you good credit, but keep you out of debt.
43) Learn how to survive being poor. It is a good skill.
44) Never drink (or use any other drug) and drive. Ever. Hell, that is why there is Uber.
45) You can not sleep with someone for the first time if they are drinking/drunk at all. That is date rape, even if you are also drinking. Sorry, sunshine.
46) Don't smoke nicotine, especially Hooka. Love your lungs. And don't give me that shit that vaping is fine for you. We don't know that yet. And just because weed is "natural," it doesn't make it good for you either.
47) Learn how to research things, so you can tell the difference between opinion (there is a lot of this out there) and fact (there is much less). Use facts to form your opinions when possible.
48) Don't put stuff off just because it makes you nervous or scared. This a recipe for growing panic and eventually crippling anxiety at the last minute.
49) Practice relaxing. Sometimes it is good to just do nothing.
50) Don't be afraid to think for yourself.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Try Hard (or Fears of Failure and Success)
There are lots of cool things about little kids. I'm talking about you (and I guess everyone) before the age of 5 or 6 or so. One thing you notice when you watch little kids is that everything they do, they do all out. If a little kid is throwing sand, they are going to get sand all over. When they are eating cake, they are usually going eat it by the handful. When they are angry or sad you are going to know about it, and if they like you, you will know that too.
Somewhere along the line we all seem to learn to hang back. Going all out might get us in trouble, or teased or laughed at. We might piss-off somebody else, or get yelled at. Even worse, we imagine the disappointment we might have in ourselves if we can't do what we want to do.
While I am pretty sure I don't want to live in a world run by 5 year olds (though sometimes it seems like we do), there is something we once knew that should be remembered.
When you really want something, and you have decided to go for it, don't hold back.
Being Tentative or half-assed out of a fear of failing makes it more likely you won't succeed. And So what if you do try and then still fail at something? You can usually try again, this time with a better idea of what it will take. Failing isn't so bad - at least it means you tried. The only way to learn anything new is to try and fail and then try again and again.
If you decide to do anything of importance (study for test, try to meet new friends, make it to the finals or nationals or whatever) and you don't invest your energy and effort in that thing, you are only short-changing yourself.
Somewhere along the line we all seem to learn to hang back. Going all out might get us in trouble, or teased or laughed at. We might piss-off somebody else, or get yelled at. Even worse, we imagine the disappointment we might have in ourselves if we can't do what we want to do.
While I am pretty sure I don't want to live in a world run by 5 year olds (though sometimes it seems like we do), there is something we once knew that should be remembered.
When you really want something, and you have decided to go for it, don't hold back.
Being Tentative or half-assed out of a fear of failing makes it more likely you won't succeed. And So what if you do try and then still fail at something? You can usually try again, this time with a better idea of what it will take. Failing isn't so bad - at least it means you tried. The only way to learn anything new is to try and fail and then try again and again.
If you decide to do anything of importance (study for test, try to meet new friends, make it to the finals or nationals or whatever) and you don't invest your energy and effort in that thing, you are only short-changing yourself.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Feelings (Part 1)
Here, in no specific order, are some of my thoughts about Feelings:
1. You Cannot Choose How You Feel Right Now
Do not feel guilty about anything you feel. Ever. Human beings can not choose their emotions. You can try to not be aware of your feelings - to distract or medicate your feelings or hide them outside of your awareness, but I have rarely seen good come of that kind of self ignorance.
You can control what you do, what you say, how you behave, but not how you feel right now.
2. What you Do (and Say, and Attend to) Can Influence The Feelings You Will Have
This seems like I'm contradicting myself here, but what I mean here is that the choices you make about what you do moment to moment will of course impact how you feel in the future. If you choose to criticize yourself or focus your attention on a worry of yours, you will predictably feel more hurt or angry or worried in the near future. If you decide to skip a meal you will probably feel more hungry later. Pretty self evident.
3. You Can (and Do) Have Many Feelings at the Same Time
Often intense feelings can seem too strong, too overwhelming. Something to try and be aware of that can help is the fact that you are never feeling just one thing. Even if you are very Sad or Angry or Hungry, you may also be able to notice that you might be Amused or Tired or Loving. Noticing a richer array of your feelings is like being aware of more wavelengths of light or having a bigger palette of colors to paint with.
4. No Single Feeling Lasts Forever
This doesn't mean you will necessarily stop Loving someone, or that you will stop Missing someone you care about who is gone from your life. But feelings are connected to memories and are created by your mind moment by moment. Each of your feelings will ebb and flow as you remember and forget and remember and forget...
5. Having a Feeling Doesn't Affect Anyone Else Unless You Choose to Let It
Feeling like you want to punch someone doesn't actually hurt them (unless you punch them). Feeling like giving someone a hug doesn't let them feel loved unless you decide to give them a hug. Don't confuse Feelings with Behavior. You need to choose to do something or not.
6. Other People Can Understand How You Feel Better Than You Might Think
If you are willing to let someone know how you are feeling there is a pretty good chance that they have had their own version of the same feeling at some point in their life. We are all primates, and there is no new feeling under the sun. Sorry, snowflake.
7. Feelings are Data
What I mean is that having a feeling is a particular kind of thing that your mind is doing, and understanding what and why you might be feeling something can be quite informative. Your feelings are not magical or privileged. Feeling that something is true doesn't make it so. Loving someone doesn't mean that being with them will be good for you; Hating someone by itself rarely justifies violence. Feelings don't trump logic, nor do they rule you. If you can keep your head, there is no reason to fear your feelings.
1. You Cannot Choose How You Feel Right Now
Do not feel guilty about anything you feel. Ever. Human beings can not choose their emotions. You can try to not be aware of your feelings - to distract or medicate your feelings or hide them outside of your awareness, but I have rarely seen good come of that kind of self ignorance.
You can control what you do, what you say, how you behave, but not how you feel right now.
2. What you Do (and Say, and Attend to) Can Influence The Feelings You Will Have
This seems like I'm contradicting myself here, but what I mean here is that the choices you make about what you do moment to moment will of course impact how you feel in the future. If you choose to criticize yourself or focus your attention on a worry of yours, you will predictably feel more hurt or angry or worried in the near future. If you decide to skip a meal you will probably feel more hungry later. Pretty self evident.
3. You Can (and Do) Have Many Feelings at the Same Time
Often intense feelings can seem too strong, too overwhelming. Something to try and be aware of that can help is the fact that you are never feeling just one thing. Even if you are very Sad or Angry or Hungry, you may also be able to notice that you might be Amused or Tired or Loving. Noticing a richer array of your feelings is like being aware of more wavelengths of light or having a bigger palette of colors to paint with.
4. No Single Feeling Lasts Forever
This doesn't mean you will necessarily stop Loving someone, or that you will stop Missing someone you care about who is gone from your life. But feelings are connected to memories and are created by your mind moment by moment. Each of your feelings will ebb and flow as you remember and forget and remember and forget...
5. Having a Feeling Doesn't Affect Anyone Else Unless You Choose to Let It
Feeling like you want to punch someone doesn't actually hurt them (unless you punch them). Feeling like giving someone a hug doesn't let them feel loved unless you decide to give them a hug. Don't confuse Feelings with Behavior. You need to choose to do something or not.
6. Other People Can Understand How You Feel Better Than You Might Think
If you are willing to let someone know how you are feeling there is a pretty good chance that they have had their own version of the same feeling at some point in their life. We are all primates, and there is no new feeling under the sun. Sorry, snowflake.
7. Feelings are Data
What I mean is that having a feeling is a particular kind of thing that your mind is doing, and understanding what and why you might be feeling something can be quite informative. Your feelings are not magical or privileged. Feeling that something is true doesn't make it so. Loving someone doesn't mean that being with them will be good for you; Hating someone by itself rarely justifies violence. Feelings don't trump logic, nor do they rule you. If you can keep your head, there is no reason to fear your feelings.
The Real Nature of Evil...
I have spent most of my career listening to people and their stories, and I have met more than my share of folks who have done horrific things. Things like selling drugs, torturing relatives, killing people. You might not like to hear this, but none of those people were Monsters. A couple of them were emotionally damaged and wanted revenge, some were on drugs, a few were temporarily out of their minds, and many were so focused on their own problems they had a hard time appreciating how what they did hurt others. None of them acted primarily out of some "scary movie" kind of sadistic pleasure in causing others pain.
You may think this whole diatribe doesn't have much to do with you, and though I wish that were true, it sadly isn't. Every one of us struggles to avoid looking at, acknowledging the pain in others that would scare or hurt us the most. It is not that I expect you to avoid hurting others all the time - that is impractical if not impossible. I love you and want you to take good care of yourselves, even sometimes at the expense of someone else. But I hope you have the strength of character to see your actions and the actions of others for what they are, and honestly acknowledge painful truths.
OK, there are a few people in this world we called sociopaths, or psychopaths, or antisocial personalities. These people are said to mostly lack empathy - they don't have any way to appreciate how others feel and so behave entirely with their self-interest in mind. Strangely they don't really seem Movie Monster Evil either, usually, because they aren't enjoying hurting others. They cant really get true satisfaction out of hurting others anymore than they can get satisfaction out of caring for others. They seem charismatic, and compelling at first, and then later you sense how hollow and empty they are inside. It seems more sad than scary. I think these people are warped, but not really evil (though they can do some bad things).
If anything is really evil, I think it is when we ignore some kind of hurt or wrong caused to others; when we choose to avoid the painful truth in exchange for easy ignorance and by doing so deny our own culpability in the wrongdoing. This is the Holocaust in it's most extreme form - and not just the few twisted sicko's behind the torture and killing of millions of jews, but even more the frightened silence and practiced ignorance of the greater population of Germans who "couldn't" bare to admit the truth to themselves and in doing so helped perpetrate a genocide. History is full of nauseating examples: people who pretended not to see the degradations of slavery, or child labor, or colonialism. Those who deny the harms caused by racism or poverty or war.
It is not that I believe we need to spend all of our time apologizing for crimes we didn't commit, or making up for the sins of our fathers. There is no erasing the impact of generations of slavery and to think that you could even try is patronizing. But in not acknowledging an ugly truth, refusing to see a crime or mistreatment because it may cause you to feel bad in some way is Evil, and it begets future acts of "not seeing" that go on to harm those already injured.
You may think this whole diatribe doesn't have much to do with you, and though I wish that were true, it sadly isn't. Every one of us struggles to avoid looking at, acknowledging the pain in others that would scare or hurt us the most. It is not that I expect you to avoid hurting others all the time - that is impractical if not impossible. I love you and want you to take good care of yourselves, even sometimes at the expense of someone else. But I hope you have the strength of character to see your actions and the actions of others for what they are, and honestly acknowledge painful truths.
I don't think hurting someone else is really the Evil act: I think real Evil is the willful ignorance of other's pain.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
And Change is What I Believe In...
When I was young and full of graceAnd spirited a rattlesnakeWhen I was young and fever fellMy spirit, I will not tellYou're on your honor not to tell
I believe in coyotes and time as an abstractExplain the change, the difference betweenWhat you want and what you need, there's the keyYour adventure for today, what do you doBetween the horns of the day?
I believe my shirt is wearing thinAnd change is what I believe
When I was young and give and takeAnd foolish said my fool awakeWhen I was young and fever fellMy spirit, I will not tellYou're on your honor, on your honor
Trust in your calling, make sure your calling's trueThink of others, the others, they think of youSilly rule golden words make, practice, practice makes perfectPerfect is a fault and fault lines change
I believe, my humor's wearing thinAnd change is what I believe in
I believe my shirt is wearing thinAnd change is what I believe
When I was young and full of graceAs spirited a rattlesnakeWhen I was young and fever fellMy spirit, I will not tellYou're on your honor, on your honor
I believe in exampleI believe my throat hurtsExample is the checker to the key
I believe, my humor's wearing thinAnd I believe the poles are shiftingI believe my shirt is wearing thinAnd change is what I believe in
--REM
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Endings and Beginnings
Death and Birth. It seems pretty simple, I guess. Graduations, Birthdays, Weddings, Baptisms, Funerals. All celebrate the simple fact that we (at least the ones celebrating) are alive and growing and changing, and also mark the realization that time is passing, that today will one day be all over. Cherry Blossoms and "Time's Winged Chariot."
OK, but there is something a little strange about all this. No one can clearly identify the exact moment of most beginnings or ends. You have no memory of being born, and there is a good chance you won't be too sure of the moment of your death. None of us know very much about birth or death directly, and I have a hard time believing anyone I've ever met is really too sure what comes before or after. We are not even sure what will happen tomorrow. I suppose that is why it seems so interesting (and frightening or compelling or whatever), but it certainly is hard to say when one thing ends and another begins until long after the fact.
We humans tend to exaggerate the boundaries of things in order to see more subtle patterns more clearly. We imagine sharp edges, demarcations, starts and stops, beginnings and ends to help us notice things better. This is true when looking at the science of perception, and also true as we try to attribute meaning to things. Sometimes we exaggerate the beginnings and endings or even make them up altogether. How does it feel to be one year older? Pretty much like yesterday felt, just with a present or two.
Of course there are big changes that can shape the course of your life, but these are usually unpredictable and capricious and are best ridden like a big cresting wave with a mix of abandon and trepidation. But these tectonic shifts are rare; day to day you are mostly the same person, and so are most of the people you care about.
I hope you enjoy your celebrations and by all means mull over the Big Starts and Stops, but don't be too intimidated and don't let yourself believe that these ritualized events really represent stages of your life. You are not the school you graduated from or the school you are going to. You are not your SAT score or your batting average. You are not your age or your IQ or your income. You are what you do, right now, and you are made day by day and little by little in every seemingly insignificant choice and decision you make. Every joke you tell and even every text you send (and that is a lot). So enjoy being with people you love and share your fondest memories and aspirations, but don't get too overwhelmed trying to guess what is to come. Whatever it is, you will mostly be up to the challenge (and if not you will do what the rest of us do, and fake it).
OK, but there is something a little strange about all this. No one can clearly identify the exact moment of most beginnings or ends. You have no memory of being born, and there is a good chance you won't be too sure of the moment of your death. None of us know very much about birth or death directly, and I have a hard time believing anyone I've ever met is really too sure what comes before or after. We are not even sure what will happen tomorrow. I suppose that is why it seems so interesting (and frightening or compelling or whatever), but it certainly is hard to say when one thing ends and another begins until long after the fact.
We humans tend to exaggerate the boundaries of things in order to see more subtle patterns more clearly. We imagine sharp edges, demarcations, starts and stops, beginnings and ends to help us notice things better. This is true when looking at the science of perception, and also true as we try to attribute meaning to things. Sometimes we exaggerate the beginnings and endings or even make them up altogether. How does it feel to be one year older? Pretty much like yesterday felt, just with a present or two.
Of course there are big changes that can shape the course of your life, but these are usually unpredictable and capricious and are best ridden like a big cresting wave with a mix of abandon and trepidation. But these tectonic shifts are rare; day to day you are mostly the same person, and so are most of the people you care about.
I hope you enjoy your celebrations and by all means mull over the Big Starts and Stops, but don't be too intimidated and don't let yourself believe that these ritualized events really represent stages of your life. You are not the school you graduated from or the school you are going to. You are not your SAT score or your batting average. You are not your age or your IQ or your income. You are what you do, right now, and you are made day by day and little by little in every seemingly insignificant choice and decision you make. Every joke you tell and even every text you send (and that is a lot). So enjoy being with people you love and share your fondest memories and aspirations, but don't get too overwhelmed trying to guess what is to come. Whatever it is, you will mostly be up to the challenge (and if not you will do what the rest of us do, and fake it).
Saturday, April 13, 2013
...I Hope You Dance
I am not too proud to pilfer a line from a Dolly Parton Song, but if you don't want to listen to it yourself, I will spell it out for you.
You will have many opportunities to do things in your life. I mean get up off the couch and go kind of things, take a risk kind of things, try something new or even a little scary kind of things. Try out for a local tennis club. Take a poetry writing class. Go out on a blind date. Eat chicken feet. Take a trip to a strange and exotic country. Go hang-gliding. Introduce yourself to that cute kid next door. Go to the Dance. Jump off the High Dive. Get the Henna Tattoo. You get the picture.
Much of the time we miss these opportunities. We tell ourselves we are too busy, or we wouldn't like it (or they wouldn't like us), or we just let the time pass until it is too late. Really we were just too chicken to try this new thing, to take the risk of looking like an idiot.
I don't know about you, but in my life, almost all of my regrets haven't been things I tried that didn't go well (and there have been plenty, but now they are mostly funny to me). What I regret the most are those opportunities to try something that I passed on. I will never know how they might have turned out, who I might have met, what adventures or miseries I have missed.
To be Crystal Clear: I am NOT saying you now have my Blessing to engage in any risky behavior you can Dream up. This is not Carte Blanche to start using Heroin, or try that Cross-Atlantic hot air Balloon trip. If something has a good chance of killing you, leaving you brain damaged, or getting you arrested for a long time then it is probably a good idea to avoid it.
But most of the things we avoid are actually pretty safe. A new food is really unlikely to hurt you too bad. If other people eat it and seem OK, then you will likely survive as well. If you try windsurfing in front of a beach full of people and fall about a thousand times, I can tell you from experience you will definitely look stupid, but seriously, So What? I promise you that other people spend much less time and energy thinking about you than you worry about. You can be the kid who threw up in the Lunchroom one day, but other than a good laugh or two, people will stop caring in the time it takes them to update their own Facebook status. Everyone you know thinks so much more about themselves than they think about you, and if you realize this you can free yourself from your imaginary shackles of self consciousness and Let Go. Who cares if you are a goof, or if that girl or guy laughs at you when you ask them out. Don't let what other people might think of you hold you back from trying things that might turn out to be fun or just a really good story one day.
When faced with a new (and intimidating) opportunity try imagining yourself at 97 years old, all wrinkled and diapered up on some hospital bed waiting to die, reminiscing about your life. What will you be more likely to remember fondly, you trying this new thing (and maybe risking an Epic Fail) or just sitting there on your Butt and watching one more Drake & Josh re-run? Sorry Drake & Josh.
You will have many opportunities to do things in your life. I mean get up off the couch and go kind of things, take a risk kind of things, try something new or even a little scary kind of things. Try out for a local tennis club. Take a poetry writing class. Go out on a blind date. Eat chicken feet. Take a trip to a strange and exotic country. Go hang-gliding. Introduce yourself to that cute kid next door. Go to the Dance. Jump off the High Dive. Get the Henna Tattoo. You get the picture.
Much of the time we miss these opportunities. We tell ourselves we are too busy, or we wouldn't like it (or they wouldn't like us), or we just let the time pass until it is too late. Really we were just too chicken to try this new thing, to take the risk of looking like an idiot.
I don't know about you, but in my life, almost all of my regrets haven't been things I tried that didn't go well (and there have been plenty, but now they are mostly funny to me). What I regret the most are those opportunities to try something that I passed on. I will never know how they might have turned out, who I might have met, what adventures or miseries I have missed.
To be Crystal Clear: I am NOT saying you now have my Blessing to engage in any risky behavior you can Dream up. This is not Carte Blanche to start using Heroin, or try that Cross-Atlantic hot air Balloon trip. If something has a good chance of killing you, leaving you brain damaged, or getting you arrested for a long time then it is probably a good idea to avoid it.
But most of the things we avoid are actually pretty safe. A new food is really unlikely to hurt you too bad. If other people eat it and seem OK, then you will likely survive as well. If you try windsurfing in front of a beach full of people and fall about a thousand times, I can tell you from experience you will definitely look stupid, but seriously, So What? I promise you that other people spend much less time and energy thinking about you than you worry about. You can be the kid who threw up in the Lunchroom one day, but other than a good laugh or two, people will stop caring in the time it takes them to update their own Facebook status. Everyone you know thinks so much more about themselves than they think about you, and if you realize this you can free yourself from your imaginary shackles of self consciousness and Let Go. Who cares if you are a goof, or if that girl or guy laughs at you when you ask them out. Don't let what other people might think of you hold you back from trying things that might turn out to be fun or just a really good story one day.
When faced with a new (and intimidating) opportunity try imagining yourself at 97 years old, all wrinkled and diapered up on some hospital bed waiting to die, reminiscing about your life. What will you be more likely to remember fondly, you trying this new thing (and maybe risking an Epic Fail) or just sitting there on your Butt and watching one more Drake & Josh re-run? Sorry Drake & Josh.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
You Are Alive
If that notion doesn't amaze you, then you aren't thinking.
Out of all the galaxies, all the stars and planets that exist in this unimaginably humongous Universe, this Earth had just the right balance of temperature, light, and elements to support life.
Across millions and millions of years, through all the evolutionary struggles, Every Single One of Your Ancestors (from protozoa to fish to mammals to primates) managed to mate and have offspring or you wouldn't be here!
Out of more than 40 million (and perhaps many more) possible sperm, only one wriggly guy (that makes up half of your DNA) reached and fertilized your mother's egg. If any other sperm made it first, you would not exist. If any small detail of either of your parents' lives or their parents' lives (and on back forever) was different enough to cause them to not be together at that exact moment they made you, you would not exist.
The odds of you being here now on this earth are so infinitesimal I do not have enough time left to type all the zeros after the decimal point it would take, even if that is all I did for the rest of my days.
If the science doesn't boggle your mind, then try this: go outside now and stand there looking all around you. See everything you can see. Look at the sky, the earth, trees, bits of stone or sand or concrete or dirt made up of tinier and tinier bits of material that all fit together just so. Look at other people or animals or ants or even a fly. Imagine you could see them all blown up giant sized- all the amazing details of their skin, their eyes. Imagine you could see inside, the blood pumping through them, the clockwork scaffolding of their muscles and bones (or exoskeletons) as they move or creep or fly. Imagine their brains, their minds made up of jellied fibers and chemicals and electricity. Notice your own body. Feel the air move in and out of your lungs and the tug of gravity on your limbs. Imagine the world as a globe spinning under your feet hundreds of miles an hour. Imagine looking down from a point somewhere just above your head and now zoom out and out and out until your figure is lost and all you see are postage stamp sized plots of land then continents of land then a spinning blue marble against the dark star speckled cosmos.
I don't care how you think all this came to be, your life right here right now is a Miracle.
Out of all the galaxies, all the stars and planets that exist in this unimaginably humongous Universe, this Earth had just the right balance of temperature, light, and elements to support life.
Across millions and millions of years, through all the evolutionary struggles, Every Single One of Your Ancestors (from protozoa to fish to mammals to primates) managed to mate and have offspring or you wouldn't be here!
Out of more than 40 million (and perhaps many more) possible sperm, only one wriggly guy (that makes up half of your DNA) reached and fertilized your mother's egg. If any other sperm made it first, you would not exist. If any small detail of either of your parents' lives or their parents' lives (and on back forever) was different enough to cause them to not be together at that exact moment they made you, you would not exist.
The odds of you being here now on this earth are so infinitesimal I do not have enough time left to type all the zeros after the decimal point it would take, even if that is all I did for the rest of my days.
If the science doesn't boggle your mind, then try this: go outside now and stand there looking all around you. See everything you can see. Look at the sky, the earth, trees, bits of stone or sand or concrete or dirt made up of tinier and tinier bits of material that all fit together just so. Look at other people or animals or ants or even a fly. Imagine you could see them all blown up giant sized- all the amazing details of their skin, their eyes. Imagine you could see inside, the blood pumping through them, the clockwork scaffolding of their muscles and bones (or exoskeletons) as they move or creep or fly. Imagine their brains, their minds made up of jellied fibers and chemicals and electricity. Notice your own body. Feel the air move in and out of your lungs and the tug of gravity on your limbs. Imagine the world as a globe spinning under your feet hundreds of miles an hour. Imagine looking down from a point somewhere just above your head and now zoom out and out and out until your figure is lost and all you see are postage stamp sized plots of land then continents of land then a spinning blue marble against the dark star speckled cosmos.
I don't care how you think all this came to be, your life right here right now is a Miracle.
Appreciating the Now
Appreciating is the counterpoint to Wanting. Sure, I hope you can enjoy the deliciousness of Wanting without feeling greedy or being fooled into thinking every Want demands immediate satisfaction. But the Zen side of Wanting is Appreciating the Now.
Here is the Zen part. All you ever really have is right Now. Yesterday, last week, last year are gone. You can say you have memories, but memories are really something you are doing (remembering) at this very moment. Memories don't exist outside of you remembering. In the same way, tomorrow isn't here yet and in a sense will always be in the future. You follow this, don't you?
Wanting, Remembering, Planning, Anticipating, Worrying are all things you do (at any given Now moment of time) to try and imagine the future or past in the current moment. All of these functions can be very useful (and sometimes enjoyable), but even these kinds of imaginings can only happen right Now.
So if all you really have (and ever will have) is Now, don't you think you should try to appreciate it?
This seemingly simple idea is strangely difficult to do, without practice. Some people suggest focusing on the sensations of your body and your breath to connect with your physical self in the current moment. Can you feel yourself breathe in and out? Can you feel the thick carpet under the soles of your feet, or hear the sounds of birds or the rhythmic hum of the refrigerator? Do you notice the patterns of clouds in the sky or the movement of the leaves of the tree you can see out of your window?
There is also the Appreciation of what you are doing right Now. Are you studying for a test? Then be aware of your desire to learn and let your mind focus on the words and ideas - your thoughts, your understanding of the concepts you are taking in. Are you walking your dog? Then notice your pet, the leash, the feel of sun on your skin, the sound of the approaching car. Are you reminiscing? Then notice yourself reminiscing and Appreciate your mind's ability to remember a time that is past, and people who are gone or changed and to feel all the things you feel Now, as you recall these events in your mind's eye.
And there is the Appreciation of what you have right Now. Maybe you crave a new baseball bat, but right now you can enjoy swinging the bat you have Now. Don't let your desire for the bat of the future take away from your pleasure Now of swinging your bat that you can hold in your hands. More important, I think, is to enjoy the people who are important to you right Now. You can connect with distant friends with a text or a call, or you can sit and talk with someone who can be with you in the same room.
And then of course there is the Big Daddy of Things to Appreciate: the Realization that you are Alive.
Here is the Zen part. All you ever really have is right Now. Yesterday, last week, last year are gone. You can say you have memories, but memories are really something you are doing (remembering) at this very moment. Memories don't exist outside of you remembering. In the same way, tomorrow isn't here yet and in a sense will always be in the future. You follow this, don't you?
Wanting, Remembering, Planning, Anticipating, Worrying are all things you do (at any given Now moment of time) to try and imagine the future or past in the current moment. All of these functions can be very useful (and sometimes enjoyable), but even these kinds of imaginings can only happen right Now.
So if all you really have (and ever will have) is Now, don't you think you should try to appreciate it?
This seemingly simple idea is strangely difficult to do, without practice. Some people suggest focusing on the sensations of your body and your breath to connect with your physical self in the current moment. Can you feel yourself breathe in and out? Can you feel the thick carpet under the soles of your feet, or hear the sounds of birds or the rhythmic hum of the refrigerator? Do you notice the patterns of clouds in the sky or the movement of the leaves of the tree you can see out of your window?
There is also the Appreciation of what you are doing right Now. Are you studying for a test? Then be aware of your desire to learn and let your mind focus on the words and ideas - your thoughts, your understanding of the concepts you are taking in. Are you walking your dog? Then notice your pet, the leash, the feel of sun on your skin, the sound of the approaching car. Are you reminiscing? Then notice yourself reminiscing and Appreciate your mind's ability to remember a time that is past, and people who are gone or changed and to feel all the things you feel Now, as you recall these events in your mind's eye.
And there is the Appreciation of what you have right Now. Maybe you crave a new baseball bat, but right now you can enjoy swinging the bat you have Now. Don't let your desire for the bat of the future take away from your pleasure Now of swinging your bat that you can hold in your hands. More important, I think, is to enjoy the people who are important to you right Now. You can connect with distant friends with a text or a call, or you can sit and talk with someone who can be with you in the same room.
And then of course there is the Big Daddy of Things to Appreciate: the Realization that you are Alive.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Wanting
Wanting (things, people, whatever...) must have evolved to help us get things we need. Food, Warmth, Sex, the new Iphone. If our distant ancestors didn't feel some internal drive to get these things we wouldn't be here now, right? So a Want feels like a hunger, a deep aching need to Get the satisfaction of that which we so crave. You know the expression "I want it so bad I can almost taste it!"
Here is the strange thing: that aching Want is actually more natural, more dependable than Getting.
I am not really against Getting. I enjoy many kinds of Getting and I bet you do too. A big smile from that cute kid you like, your favorite meal, the big present wrapped in the shiny paper. But there is a big problem with every Getting - that moment of pleasure, that satisfaction of the Want is great but it is fleeting. You know exactly what I mean. Think of the afternoon after Christmas when all the presents are opened, or the evening after the Thanksgiving meal, or the last day of summer break.
The pleasures of Wanting, however, are nearly infinite.
We have all indulged in the exquisite torment of planning for what we would do if we won the lottery. We imagine our perfect meal, or perfect date, or perfect game. Planning a trip or shopping for a car (if you can afford it) can be more exciting than the actual trip or car.
Why is this? Because Wanting is our natural state.
When we are young we want to be older; when we are older we want to be young again. When we are poor we want money; when we have money we want "the simple life."
We are born Wanting and I imagine most of us die Wanting. Wanting is part of living (and Wanting isn't necessarily selfish either, as most of us want good things for each other, our loved ones, humanity).
I make this point because I think we are misguided when we assume that we need to rush to satisfy every Want as soon as possible. Slow down, and savor your Wanting. Some Wants can be better than their satisfaction, and other Wants are never meant to be satisfied.
Here is the strange thing: that aching Want is actually more natural, more dependable than Getting.
I am not really against Getting. I enjoy many kinds of Getting and I bet you do too. A big smile from that cute kid you like, your favorite meal, the big present wrapped in the shiny paper. But there is a big problem with every Getting - that moment of pleasure, that satisfaction of the Want is great but it is fleeting. You know exactly what I mean. Think of the afternoon after Christmas when all the presents are opened, or the evening after the Thanksgiving meal, or the last day of summer break.
The pleasures of Wanting, however, are nearly infinite.
We have all indulged in the exquisite torment of planning for what we would do if we won the lottery. We imagine our perfect meal, or perfect date, or perfect game. Planning a trip or shopping for a car (if you can afford it) can be more exciting than the actual trip or car.
Why is this? Because Wanting is our natural state.
When we are young we want to be older; when we are older we want to be young again. When we are poor we want money; when we have money we want "the simple life."
We are born Wanting and I imagine most of us die Wanting. Wanting is part of living (and Wanting isn't necessarily selfish either, as most of us want good things for each other, our loved ones, humanity).
I make this point because I think we are misguided when we assume that we need to rush to satisfy every Want as soon as possible. Slow down, and savor your Wanting. Some Wants can be better than their satisfaction, and other Wants are never meant to be satisfied.
Monday, April 1, 2013
The Secret of Getting Older
OK, getting older is pretty crummy in a lot of ways. You will get lumpy, saggy, achey, and you will be boggled by technology that toddlers use intuitively.
But the very best thing about getting older, the thing that makes up for all of the other stuff is this: as you get older you realize that you don't really have to care what other people think of you.
I can remember feeling so painfully aware of almost every social interaction. How I dressed, how I looked, what I said or didn't say were all so very important that I might ruminate over the most minute details while I lay in bed each night. And it didn't just seem important what other kids thought of me, it really was important. Reputation and Social Hierarchy ruled almost every interaction. We are certainly primates through and through.
But getting older lets you bypass all this, and here is how: It is not because as you age you have more power or less power (both are true). It is because as you get older you begin to realize you will die someday. Maybe not someday soon, but certainly sooner than it used to be.
And while this is scary and a little sad, it is also tremendously freeing.
Because once you realize that your time on this earth is limited, you begin to appreciate how valuable it really is. Each day, even the rainy ones, are small treasures that will just pass and you begin to want to slow them all down and notice every detail you can. The way the light reflected on her hair, the sound of dry leaves crunching under your shoes, the delightful tickle of light fingertips brushing softly against your skin.
And more than this, you begin to stop worrying so much about beating other people, getting what they've got, or even more and more and more. Instead you start to notice lots of small things about people (almost everyone) that make you smile, or breaks your heart just a little. You see that others' happiness and sorrow are really just like yours, and it makes it so much easier to love them - all of them - at least some of the time. They are dying too, just like you are, and they way they all keep going will seem almost brave to you.
I know you don't exactly believe me, but try to imagine it if you can...
But the very best thing about getting older, the thing that makes up for all of the other stuff is this: as you get older you realize that you don't really have to care what other people think of you.
I can remember feeling so painfully aware of almost every social interaction. How I dressed, how I looked, what I said or didn't say were all so very important that I might ruminate over the most minute details while I lay in bed each night. And it didn't just seem important what other kids thought of me, it really was important. Reputation and Social Hierarchy ruled almost every interaction. We are certainly primates through and through.
But getting older lets you bypass all this, and here is how: It is not because as you age you have more power or less power (both are true). It is because as you get older you begin to realize you will die someday. Maybe not someday soon, but certainly sooner than it used to be.
And while this is scary and a little sad, it is also tremendously freeing.
Because once you realize that your time on this earth is limited, you begin to appreciate how valuable it really is. Each day, even the rainy ones, are small treasures that will just pass and you begin to want to slow them all down and notice every detail you can. The way the light reflected on her hair, the sound of dry leaves crunching under your shoes, the delightful tickle of light fingertips brushing softly against your skin.
And more than this, you begin to stop worrying so much about beating other people, getting what they've got, or even more and more and more. Instead you start to notice lots of small things about people (almost everyone) that make you smile, or breaks your heart just a little. You see that others' happiness and sorrow are really just like yours, and it makes it so much easier to love them - all of them - at least some of the time. They are dying too, just like you are, and they way they all keep going will seem almost brave to you.
I know you don't exactly believe me, but try to imagine it if you can...
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