Feelings (Part 1)

Here, in no specific order, are some of my thoughts about Feelings:


1.  You Cannot Choose How You Feel Right Now

Do not feel guilty about anything you feel.  Ever.  Human beings can not choose their emotions.  You can try to not be aware of your feelings - to distract or medicate your feelings or hide them outside of your awareness, but I have rarely seen good come of that kind of self ignorance.

You can control what you do, what you say, how you behave, but not how you feel right now.


2.  What you Do (and Say, and Attend to) Can Influence The Feelings You Will Have 

This seems like I'm contradicting myself here, but what I mean here is that the choices you make about what you do moment to moment will of course impact how you feel in the future.  If you choose to criticize yourself or focus your attention on a worry of yours, you will predictably feel more hurt or angry or worried in the near future.  If you decide to skip a meal you will probably feel more hungry later.  Pretty self evident.


3.  You Can (and Do) Have Many Feelings at the Same Time

Often intense feelings can seem too strong, too overwhelming.  Something to try and be aware of that can help is the fact that you are never feeling just one thing.  Even if you are very Sad or Angry or Hungry, you may also be able to notice that you might be Amused or Tired or Loving.  Noticing a richer array of your feelings is like being aware of more wavelengths of light or having a bigger palette of colors to paint with.


4.  No Single Feeling Lasts Forever

This doesn't mean you will necessarily stop Loving someone, or that you will stop Missing someone you care about who is gone from your life.  But feelings are connected to memories and are created by your mind moment by moment.  Each of your feelings will ebb and flow as you remember and forget and remember and forget...


5.  Having a Feeling Doesn't Affect Anyone Else Unless You Choose to Let It

Feeling like you want to punch someone doesn't actually hurt them (unless you punch them).  Feeling like giving someone a hug doesn't let them feel loved unless you decide to give them a hug.  Don't confuse Feelings with Behavior.  You need to choose to do something or not.


6.  Other People Can Understand How You Feel Better Than You Might Think

If you are willing to let someone know how you are feeling there is a pretty good chance that they have had their own version of the same feeling at some point in their life.  We are all primates, and there is no new feeling under the sun.  Sorry, snowflake.


7.  Feelings are Data

What I mean is that having a feeling is a particular kind of thing that your mind is doing, and understanding what and why you might be feeling something can be quite informative.  Your feelings are not magical or privileged.  Feeling that something is true doesn't make it so.  Loving someone doesn't mean that being with them will be good for you; Hating someone by itself rarely justifies violence.  Feelings don't trump logic, nor do they rule you.  If you can keep your head, there is no reason to fear your feelings.