Intimacy, Love and Sex (not in that order)

OK, ok, this is awkward I know, but I won't get too explicit here.   These words are sometimes used interchangeably, but I think they are related yet different.  Still, they are all forms of "being together" with someone.  I think we all want some of each, but it helps to be clear about how these are related but different things.   Let's start with the easiest one.

Sex

For something so hardwired into our brains (and necessary for all life on the planet) it seems strange this one causes so much anxiety.  If people didn't like having sex, there wouldn't be any people.

Still, the problems really are related to two big issues:  1) in some cases sex makes babies, and that is not always convenient and 2) there are many people you might think are attractive, but you shouldn't have sex with.  Mostly because it would complicate that or other relationships.  Clearly if we all had sex with everyone we found sexy eventually society would fall into ruin.  And anyway there would be no time for anything else, like food or politics, or video games.  If you can accept and work around these two issues there should be no problem.  Sadly some people don't seem to be able to realize who they should avoid having sex with, but really it is common sense.  If you don't know this already, you can't learn it from me.  Oh I guess there are STDs too, but you should know about that already, and take precautions, right?

The rest of sex is really about not taking yourself too seriously, not trying to be a porn star, and being playful.  And communicating.  All of these get much easier the older you get, which is why sex gets better for most people (up to a point, I guess).  Oh, one other little thing, sex without Love will make you sad and lonely.  Sorry Tinder.

Love

I have met lots of people who tell me they don't know what love is.  They point out the word means so many different things - affection, concern about others, desire, passion.  How can you feel the same thing for your significant other, your dog and your mother?  But I think they are fooling themselves.  Of course we all know what love is - it is that feeling that this other person (or pet, whatever) truly matters to you, that their well being is important to you (sometimes even more important to you than your own).  It is like there is some invisible chord connecting you, and that whether you like it or not you are stuck with them.  Falling out of love is like that chord shriveling up, and it hurts when that happens, and feels like a part of you is dying.

Love is not infatuation (we all know what that is), nor does it always require liking everything about the other person.  Strangely, it does not require the other person love you back.

Without love we can not grow.  I don't mean that in some squishy psychobabble way, I mean really.  Babies who aren't loved don't develop fully functioning brains and stay really small (and never catch up).

There are a few people who cannot love others at all.  They do not look like monsters, they are actually often very charismatic and charming, but you can tell who they are because they only value power, not people.

I think love requires a person (or persons) on the other end.  You cannot really love baseball, or a great sandwich, or the Beatles.  You may value these things, get excited about them and find purpose in them, but I do not think it is the same as love.  More like really strong like.  Love is the passion of being connected to another person (or persons).

Not to get too philosophical here, but if you think about it, Love is really required for human beings to exist.  Well, sure, sex is required too, but without love for each other, how would we ever work together, sacrifice for the greater good, take care of each other, even appreciate other people.  I think this is why the quote from 1 Corinthians is so right: "So now Faith, Hope and Love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is Love."

There is a warning here though.  Loving someone, being connected to them, can too easily imply a protective and defensive reaction against the people who could hurt our loved ones, or take our loved ones away from us.  This is the way that Love of one person leads to Hate of another.  If love is about being connected, then hate is about pushing someone away.  This is too easy to do, and requires constant vigilance to avoid.

Love is necessary (but not sufficient) for...

Intimacy

I think this is really knowing another person, and being known by them - it is a two way street.   Many of us confuse intimacy with love, and think that once we love someone we should have this too, but that is sadly not the case.  Creating intimacy takes lots of time and practice as it is an in-exact science, and only achieved through lots of trial and error.  You are very unlikely to take the time to achieve real intimacy with someone you do not love - why bother?  But loving someone is not enough.

To achieve intimacy, you need to know someone so well, in such ... well... "intimate" detail, that you can construct a version of them in your mind that is very very much like them.  Not like you want them to be, but actually like them.  This is much harder than you would think and doesn't always last.

Parents usually have a very intimate knowledge of their young children.  After all, parents of young kids have been around for almost everything that has happened in their little darlings' lives.  As kids grow up, go to camp, to school, make friends, date, leave for college, a parent's intimate knowledge of their kid's life decreases, and this is hard for many parents to accept.  You may experience this yourself some day.  As a parent you have to accept that one day you only know something about your children, not everything.

Couples can have the same problem.  You might feel you know your significant other intimately, but if you aren't careful your version of them can get stuck in the past, and not evolve as they themselves change.

Sex can lead to moments of great intimacy, as any intense sharing of experience can, but once you go your own way that sense of intimacy diminishes.  Only months and years of knowing someone else can keep that feeling of closeness from fading too much.  And for good or for bad, intimacy is only partial, as we are all ultimately separate and no one can know us perfectly or completely (there is a potential for a religious discussion here, but i will sidestep that).

You might have realized that intimacy requires something from both people.  On one hand you must want to really know the other person (good and bad, warts and all), but at the same time to be known you must trust another enough to share almost everything with them.  If you keep too much of yourself from someone, they will never be able to know you intimately.