Time is mostly absences, oceans generally at peace, and lives we
love most often out of reach.
--Shapiro, from "The Two Year Old has had a Motherless Week"
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Try Hard (or Fears of Failure and Success)
There are lots of cool things about little kids. I'm talking about you (and I guess everyone) before the age of 5 or 6 or so. One thing you notice when you watch little kids is that everything they do, they do all out. If a little kid is throwing sand, they are going to get sand all over. When they are eating cake, they are usually going eat it by the handful. When they are angry or sad you are going to know about it, and if they like you, you will know that too.
Somewhere along the line we all seem to learn to hang back. Going all out might get us in trouble, or teased or laughed at. We might piss-off somebody else, or get yelled at. Even worse, we imagine the disappointment we might have in ourselves if we can't do what we want to do.
While I am pretty sure I don't want to live in a world run by 5 year olds (though sometimes it seems like we do), there is something we once knew that should be remembered.
When you really want something, and you have decided to go for it, don't hold back.
Being Tentative or half-assed out of a fear of failing makes it more likely you won't succeed. And So what if you do try and then still fail at something? You can usually try again, this time with a better idea of what it will take. Failing isn't so bad - at least it means you tried. The only way to learn anything new is to try and fail and then try again and again.
If you decide to do anything of importance (study for test, try to meet new friends, make it to the finals or nationals or whatever) and you don't invest your energy and effort in that thing, you are only short-changing yourself.
Somewhere along the line we all seem to learn to hang back. Going all out might get us in trouble, or teased or laughed at. We might piss-off somebody else, or get yelled at. Even worse, we imagine the disappointment we might have in ourselves if we can't do what we want to do.
While I am pretty sure I don't want to live in a world run by 5 year olds (though sometimes it seems like we do), there is something we once knew that should be remembered.
When you really want something, and you have decided to go for it, don't hold back.
Being Tentative or half-assed out of a fear of failing makes it more likely you won't succeed. And So what if you do try and then still fail at something? You can usually try again, this time with a better idea of what it will take. Failing isn't so bad - at least it means you tried. The only way to learn anything new is to try and fail and then try again and again.
If you decide to do anything of importance (study for test, try to meet new friends, make it to the finals or nationals or whatever) and you don't invest your energy and effort in that thing, you are only short-changing yourself.
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Feelings (Part 1)
Here, in no specific order, are some of my thoughts about Feelings:
1. You Cannot Choose How You Feel Right Now
Do not feel guilty about anything you feel. Ever. Human beings can not choose their emotions. You can try to not be aware of your feelings - to distract or medicate your feelings or hide them outside of your awareness, but I have rarely seen good come of that kind of self ignorance.
You can control what you do, what you say, how you behave, but not how you feel right now.
2. What you Do (and Say, and Attend to) Can Influence The Feelings You Will Have
This seems like I'm contradicting myself here, but what I mean here is that the choices you make about what you do moment to moment will of course impact how you feel in the future. If you choose to criticize yourself or focus your attention on a worry of yours, you will predictably feel more hurt or angry or worried in the near future. If you decide to skip a meal you will probably feel more hungry later. Pretty self evident.
3. You Can (and Do) Have Many Feelings at the Same Time
Often intense feelings can seem too strong, too overwhelming. Something to try and be aware of that can help is the fact that you are never feeling just one thing. Even if you are very Sad or Angry or Hungry, you may also be able to notice that you might be Amused or Tired or Loving. Noticing a richer array of your feelings is like being aware of more wavelengths of light or having a bigger palette of colors to paint with.
4. No Single Feeling Lasts Forever
This doesn't mean you will necessarily stop Loving someone, or that you will stop Missing someone you care about who is gone from your life. But feelings are connected to memories and are created by your mind moment by moment. Each of your feelings will ebb and flow as you remember and forget and remember and forget...
5. Having a Feeling Doesn't Affect Anyone Else Unless You Choose to Let It
Feeling like you want to punch someone doesn't actually hurt them (unless you punch them). Feeling like giving someone a hug doesn't let them feel loved unless you decide to give them a hug. Don't confuse Feelings with Behavior. You need to choose to do something or not.
6. Other People Can Understand How You Feel Better Than You Might Think
If you are willing to let someone know how you are feeling there is a pretty good chance that they have had their own version of the same feeling at some point in their life. We are all primates, and there is no new feeling under the sun. Sorry, snowflake.
7. Feelings are Data
What I mean is that having a feeling is a particular kind of thing that your mind is doing, and understanding what and why you might be feeling something can be quite informative. Your feelings are not magical or privileged. Feeling that something is true doesn't make it so. Loving someone doesn't mean that being with them will be good for you; Hating someone by itself rarely justifies violence. Feelings don't trump logic, nor do they rule you. If you can keep your head, there is no reason to fear your feelings.
1. You Cannot Choose How You Feel Right Now
Do not feel guilty about anything you feel. Ever. Human beings can not choose their emotions. You can try to not be aware of your feelings - to distract or medicate your feelings or hide them outside of your awareness, but I have rarely seen good come of that kind of self ignorance.
You can control what you do, what you say, how you behave, but not how you feel right now.
2. What you Do (and Say, and Attend to) Can Influence The Feelings You Will Have
This seems like I'm contradicting myself here, but what I mean here is that the choices you make about what you do moment to moment will of course impact how you feel in the future. If you choose to criticize yourself or focus your attention on a worry of yours, you will predictably feel more hurt or angry or worried in the near future. If you decide to skip a meal you will probably feel more hungry later. Pretty self evident.
3. You Can (and Do) Have Many Feelings at the Same Time
Often intense feelings can seem too strong, too overwhelming. Something to try and be aware of that can help is the fact that you are never feeling just one thing. Even if you are very Sad or Angry or Hungry, you may also be able to notice that you might be Amused or Tired or Loving. Noticing a richer array of your feelings is like being aware of more wavelengths of light or having a bigger palette of colors to paint with.
4. No Single Feeling Lasts Forever
This doesn't mean you will necessarily stop Loving someone, or that you will stop Missing someone you care about who is gone from your life. But feelings are connected to memories and are created by your mind moment by moment. Each of your feelings will ebb and flow as you remember and forget and remember and forget...
5. Having a Feeling Doesn't Affect Anyone Else Unless You Choose to Let It
Feeling like you want to punch someone doesn't actually hurt them (unless you punch them). Feeling like giving someone a hug doesn't let them feel loved unless you decide to give them a hug. Don't confuse Feelings with Behavior. You need to choose to do something or not.
6. Other People Can Understand How You Feel Better Than You Might Think
If you are willing to let someone know how you are feeling there is a pretty good chance that they have had their own version of the same feeling at some point in their life. We are all primates, and there is no new feeling under the sun. Sorry, snowflake.
7. Feelings are Data
What I mean is that having a feeling is a particular kind of thing that your mind is doing, and understanding what and why you might be feeling something can be quite informative. Your feelings are not magical or privileged. Feeling that something is true doesn't make it so. Loving someone doesn't mean that being with them will be good for you; Hating someone by itself rarely justifies violence. Feelings don't trump logic, nor do they rule you. If you can keep your head, there is no reason to fear your feelings.
The Real Nature of Evil...
I have spent most of my career listening to people and their stories, and I have met more than my share of folks who have done horrific things. Things like selling drugs, torturing relatives, killing people. You might not like to hear this, but none of those people were Monsters. A couple of them were emotionally damaged and wanted revenge, some were on drugs, a few were temporarily out of their minds, and many were so focused on their own problems they had a hard time appreciating how what they did hurt others. None of them acted primarily out of some "scary movie" kind of sadistic pleasure in causing others pain.
You may think this whole diatribe doesn't have much to do with you, and though I wish that were true, it sadly isn't. Every one of us struggles to avoid looking at, acknowledging the pain in others that would scare or hurt us the most. It is not that I expect you to avoid hurting others all the time - that is impractical if not impossible. I love you and want you to take good care of yourselves, even sometimes at the expense of someone else. But I hope you have the strength of character to see your actions and the actions of others for what they are, and honestly acknowledge painful truths.
OK, there are a few people in this world we called sociopaths, or psychopaths, or antisocial personalities. These people are said to mostly lack empathy - they don't have any way to appreciate how others feel and so behave entirely with their self-interest in mind. Strangely they don't really seem Movie Monster Evil either, usually, because they aren't enjoying hurting others. They cant really get true satisfaction out of hurting others anymore than they can get satisfaction out of caring for others. They seem charismatic, and compelling at first, and then later you sense how hollow and empty they are inside. It seems more sad than scary. I think these people are warped, but not really evil (though they can do some bad things).
If anything is really evil, I think it is when we ignore some kind of hurt or wrong caused to others; when we choose to avoid the painful truth in exchange for easy ignorance and by doing so deny our own culpability in the wrongdoing. This is the Holocaust in it's most extreme form - and not just the few twisted sicko's behind the torture and killing of millions of jews, but even more the frightened silence and practiced ignorance of the greater population of Germans who "couldn't" bare to admit the truth to themselves and in doing so helped perpetrate a genocide. History is full of nauseating examples: people who pretended not to see the degradations of slavery, or child labor, or colonialism. Those who deny the harms caused by racism or poverty or war.
It is not that I believe we need to spend all of our time apologizing for crimes we didn't commit, or making up for the sins of our fathers. There is no erasing the impact of generations of slavery and to think that you could even try is patronizing. But in not acknowledging an ugly truth, refusing to see a crime or mistreatment because it may cause you to feel bad in some way is Evil, and it begets future acts of "not seeing" that go on to harm those already injured.
You may think this whole diatribe doesn't have much to do with you, and though I wish that were true, it sadly isn't. Every one of us struggles to avoid looking at, acknowledging the pain in others that would scare or hurt us the most. It is not that I expect you to avoid hurting others all the time - that is impractical if not impossible. I love you and want you to take good care of yourselves, even sometimes at the expense of someone else. But I hope you have the strength of character to see your actions and the actions of others for what they are, and honestly acknowledge painful truths.
I don't think hurting someone else is really the Evil act: I think real Evil is the willful ignorance of other's pain.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
And Change is What I Believe In...
When I was young and full of graceAnd spirited a rattlesnakeWhen I was young and fever fellMy spirit, I will not tellYou're on your honor not to tell
I believe in coyotes and time as an abstractExplain the change, the difference betweenWhat you want and what you need, there's the keyYour adventure for today, what do you doBetween the horns of the day?
I believe my shirt is wearing thinAnd change is what I believe
When I was young and give and takeAnd foolish said my fool awakeWhen I was young and fever fellMy spirit, I will not tellYou're on your honor, on your honor
Trust in your calling, make sure your calling's trueThink of others, the others, they think of youSilly rule golden words make, practice, practice makes perfectPerfect is a fault and fault lines change
I believe, my humor's wearing thinAnd change is what I believe in
I believe my shirt is wearing thinAnd change is what I believe
When I was young and full of graceAs spirited a rattlesnakeWhen I was young and fever fellMy spirit, I will not tellYou're on your honor, on your honor
I believe in exampleI believe my throat hurtsExample is the checker to the key
I believe, my humor's wearing thinAnd I believe the poles are shiftingI believe my shirt is wearing thinAnd change is what I believe in
--REM
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Endings and Beginnings
Death and Birth. It seems pretty simple, I guess. Graduations, Birthdays, Weddings, Baptisms, Funerals. All celebrate the simple fact that we (at least the ones celebrating) are alive and growing and changing, and also mark the realization that time is passing, that today will one day be all over. Cherry Blossoms and "Time's Winged Chariot."
OK, but there is something a little strange about all this. No one can clearly identify the exact moment of most beginnings or ends. You have no memory of being born, and there is a good chance you won't be too sure of the moment of your death. None of us know very much about birth or death directly, and I have a hard time believing anyone I've ever met is really too sure what comes before or after. We are not even sure what will happen tomorrow. I suppose that is why it seems so interesting (and frightening or compelling or whatever), but it certainly is hard to say when one thing ends and another begins until long after the fact.
We humans tend to exaggerate the boundaries of things in order to see more subtle patterns more clearly. We imagine sharp edges, demarcations, starts and stops, beginnings and ends to help us notice things better. This is true when looking at the science of perception, and also true as we try to attribute meaning to things. Sometimes we exaggerate the beginnings and endings or even make them up altogether. How does it feel to be one year older? Pretty much like yesterday felt, just with a present or two.
Of course there are big changes that can shape the course of your life, but these are usually unpredictable and capricious and are best ridden like a big cresting wave with a mix of abandon and trepidation. But these tectonic shifts are rare; day to day you are mostly the same person, and so are most of the people you care about.
I hope you enjoy your celebrations and by all means mull over the Big Starts and Stops, but don't be too intimidated and don't let yourself believe that these ritualized events really represent stages of your life. You are not the school you graduated from or the school you are going to. You are not your SAT score or your batting average. You are not your age or your IQ or your income. You are what you do, right now, and you are made day by day and little by little in every seemingly insignificant choice and decision you make. Every joke you tell and even every text you send (and that is a lot). So enjoy being with people you love and share your fondest memories and aspirations, but don't get too overwhelmed trying to guess what is to come. Whatever it is, you will mostly be up to the challenge (and if not you will do what the rest of us do, and fake it).
OK, but there is something a little strange about all this. No one can clearly identify the exact moment of most beginnings or ends. You have no memory of being born, and there is a good chance you won't be too sure of the moment of your death. None of us know very much about birth or death directly, and I have a hard time believing anyone I've ever met is really too sure what comes before or after. We are not even sure what will happen tomorrow. I suppose that is why it seems so interesting (and frightening or compelling or whatever), but it certainly is hard to say when one thing ends and another begins until long after the fact.
We humans tend to exaggerate the boundaries of things in order to see more subtle patterns more clearly. We imagine sharp edges, demarcations, starts and stops, beginnings and ends to help us notice things better. This is true when looking at the science of perception, and also true as we try to attribute meaning to things. Sometimes we exaggerate the beginnings and endings or even make them up altogether. How does it feel to be one year older? Pretty much like yesterday felt, just with a present or two.
Of course there are big changes that can shape the course of your life, but these are usually unpredictable and capricious and are best ridden like a big cresting wave with a mix of abandon and trepidation. But these tectonic shifts are rare; day to day you are mostly the same person, and so are most of the people you care about.
I hope you enjoy your celebrations and by all means mull over the Big Starts and Stops, but don't be too intimidated and don't let yourself believe that these ritualized events really represent stages of your life. You are not the school you graduated from or the school you are going to. You are not your SAT score or your batting average. You are not your age or your IQ or your income. You are what you do, right now, and you are made day by day and little by little in every seemingly insignificant choice and decision you make. Every joke you tell and even every text you send (and that is a lot). So enjoy being with people you love and share your fondest memories and aspirations, but don't get too overwhelmed trying to guess what is to come. Whatever it is, you will mostly be up to the challenge (and if not you will do what the rest of us do, and fake it).
Saturday, April 13, 2013
...I Hope You Dance
I am not too proud to pilfer a line from a Dolly Parton Song, but if you don't want to listen to it yourself, I will spell it out for you.
You will have many opportunities to do things in your life. I mean get up off the couch and go kind of things, take a risk kind of things, try something new or even a little scary kind of things. Try out for a local tennis club. Take a poetry writing class. Go out on a blind date. Eat chicken feet. Take a trip to a strange and exotic country. Go hang-gliding. Introduce yourself to that cute kid next door. Go to the Dance. Jump off the High Dive. Get the Henna Tattoo. You get the picture.
Much of the time we miss these opportunities. We tell ourselves we are too busy, or we wouldn't like it (or they wouldn't like us), or we just let the time pass until it is too late. Really we were just too chicken to try this new thing, to take the risk of looking like an idiot.
I don't know about you, but in my life, almost all of my regrets haven't been things I tried that didn't go well (and there have been plenty, but now they are mostly funny to me). What I regret the most are those opportunities to try something that I passed on. I will never know how they might have turned out, who I might have met, what adventures or miseries I have missed.
To be Crystal Clear: I am NOT saying you now have my Blessing to engage in any risky behavior you can Dream up. This is not Carte Blanche to start using Heroin, or try that Cross-Atlantic hot air Balloon trip. If something has a good chance of killing you, leaving you brain damaged, or getting you arrested for a long time then it is probably a good idea to avoid it.
But most of the things we avoid are actually pretty safe. A new food is really unlikely to hurt you too bad. If other people eat it and seem OK, then you will likely survive as well. If you try windsurfing in front of a beach full of people and fall about a thousand times, I can tell you from experience you will definitely look stupid, but seriously, So What? I promise you that other people spend much less time and energy thinking about you than you worry about. You can be the kid who threw up in the Lunchroom one day, but other than a good laugh or two, people will stop caring in the time it takes them to update their own Facebook status. Everyone you know thinks so much more about themselves than they think about you, and if you realize this you can free yourself from your imaginary shackles of self consciousness and Let Go. Who cares if you are a goof, or if that girl or guy laughs at you when you ask them out. Don't let what other people might think of you hold you back from trying things that might turn out to be fun or just a really good story one day.
When faced with a new (and intimidating) opportunity try imagining yourself at 97 years old, all wrinkled and diapered up on some hospital bed waiting to die, reminiscing about your life. What will you be more likely to remember fondly, you trying this new thing (and maybe risking an Epic Fail) or just sitting there on your Butt and watching one more Drake & Josh re-run? Sorry Drake & Josh.
You will have many opportunities to do things in your life. I mean get up off the couch and go kind of things, take a risk kind of things, try something new or even a little scary kind of things. Try out for a local tennis club. Take a poetry writing class. Go out on a blind date. Eat chicken feet. Take a trip to a strange and exotic country. Go hang-gliding. Introduce yourself to that cute kid next door. Go to the Dance. Jump off the High Dive. Get the Henna Tattoo. You get the picture.
Much of the time we miss these opportunities. We tell ourselves we are too busy, or we wouldn't like it (or they wouldn't like us), or we just let the time pass until it is too late. Really we were just too chicken to try this new thing, to take the risk of looking like an idiot.
I don't know about you, but in my life, almost all of my regrets haven't been things I tried that didn't go well (and there have been plenty, but now they are mostly funny to me). What I regret the most are those opportunities to try something that I passed on. I will never know how they might have turned out, who I might have met, what adventures or miseries I have missed.
To be Crystal Clear: I am NOT saying you now have my Blessing to engage in any risky behavior you can Dream up. This is not Carte Blanche to start using Heroin, or try that Cross-Atlantic hot air Balloon trip. If something has a good chance of killing you, leaving you brain damaged, or getting you arrested for a long time then it is probably a good idea to avoid it.
But most of the things we avoid are actually pretty safe. A new food is really unlikely to hurt you too bad. If other people eat it and seem OK, then you will likely survive as well. If you try windsurfing in front of a beach full of people and fall about a thousand times, I can tell you from experience you will definitely look stupid, but seriously, So What? I promise you that other people spend much less time and energy thinking about you than you worry about. You can be the kid who threw up in the Lunchroom one day, but other than a good laugh or two, people will stop caring in the time it takes them to update their own Facebook status. Everyone you know thinks so much more about themselves than they think about you, and if you realize this you can free yourself from your imaginary shackles of self consciousness and Let Go. Who cares if you are a goof, or if that girl or guy laughs at you when you ask them out. Don't let what other people might think of you hold you back from trying things that might turn out to be fun or just a really good story one day.
When faced with a new (and intimidating) opportunity try imagining yourself at 97 years old, all wrinkled and diapered up on some hospital bed waiting to die, reminiscing about your life. What will you be more likely to remember fondly, you trying this new thing (and maybe risking an Epic Fail) or just sitting there on your Butt and watching one more Drake & Josh re-run? Sorry Drake & Josh.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
You Are Alive
If that notion doesn't amaze you, then you aren't thinking.
Out of all the galaxies, all the stars and planets that exist in this unimaginably humongous Universe, this Earth had just the right balance of temperature, light, and elements to support life.
Across millions and millions of years, through all the evolutionary struggles, Every Single One of Your Ancestors (from protozoa to fish to mammals to primates) managed to mate and have offspring or you wouldn't be here!
Out of more than 40 million (and perhaps many more) possible sperm, only one wriggly guy (that makes up half of your DNA) reached and fertilized your mother's egg. If any other sperm made it first, you would not exist. If any small detail of either of your parents' lives or their parents' lives (and on back forever) was different enough to cause them to not be together at that exact moment they made you, you would not exist.
The odds of you being here now on this earth are so infinitesimal I do not have enough time left to type all the zeros after the decimal point it would take, even if that is all I did for the rest of my days.
If the science doesn't boggle your mind, then try this: go outside now and stand there looking all around you. See everything you can see. Look at the sky, the earth, trees, bits of stone or sand or concrete or dirt made up of tinier and tinier bits of material that all fit together just so. Look at other people or animals or ants or even a fly. Imagine you could see them all blown up giant sized- all the amazing details of their skin, their eyes. Imagine you could see inside, the blood pumping through them, the clockwork scaffolding of their muscles and bones (or exoskeletons) as they move or creep or fly. Imagine their brains, their minds made up of jellied fibers and chemicals and electricity. Notice your own body. Feel the air move in and out of your lungs and the tug of gravity on your limbs. Imagine the world as a globe spinning under your feet hundreds of miles an hour. Imagine looking down from a point somewhere just above your head and now zoom out and out and out until your figure is lost and all you see are postage stamp sized plots of land then continents of land then a spinning blue marble against the dark star speckled cosmos.
I don't care how you think all this came to be, your life right here right now is a Miracle.
Out of all the galaxies, all the stars and planets that exist in this unimaginably humongous Universe, this Earth had just the right balance of temperature, light, and elements to support life.
Across millions and millions of years, through all the evolutionary struggles, Every Single One of Your Ancestors (from protozoa to fish to mammals to primates) managed to mate and have offspring or you wouldn't be here!
Out of more than 40 million (and perhaps many more) possible sperm, only one wriggly guy (that makes up half of your DNA) reached and fertilized your mother's egg. If any other sperm made it first, you would not exist. If any small detail of either of your parents' lives or their parents' lives (and on back forever) was different enough to cause them to not be together at that exact moment they made you, you would not exist.
The odds of you being here now on this earth are so infinitesimal I do not have enough time left to type all the zeros after the decimal point it would take, even if that is all I did for the rest of my days.
If the science doesn't boggle your mind, then try this: go outside now and stand there looking all around you. See everything you can see. Look at the sky, the earth, trees, bits of stone or sand or concrete or dirt made up of tinier and tinier bits of material that all fit together just so. Look at other people or animals or ants or even a fly. Imagine you could see them all blown up giant sized- all the amazing details of their skin, their eyes. Imagine you could see inside, the blood pumping through them, the clockwork scaffolding of their muscles and bones (or exoskeletons) as they move or creep or fly. Imagine their brains, their minds made up of jellied fibers and chemicals and electricity. Notice your own body. Feel the air move in and out of your lungs and the tug of gravity on your limbs. Imagine the world as a globe spinning under your feet hundreds of miles an hour. Imagine looking down from a point somewhere just above your head and now zoom out and out and out until your figure is lost and all you see are postage stamp sized plots of land then continents of land then a spinning blue marble against the dark star speckled cosmos.
I don't care how you think all this came to be, your life right here right now is a Miracle.
Appreciating the Now
Appreciating is the counterpoint to Wanting. Sure, I hope you can enjoy the deliciousness of Wanting without feeling greedy or being fooled into thinking every Want demands immediate satisfaction. But the Zen side of Wanting is Appreciating the Now.
Here is the Zen part. All you ever really have is right Now. Yesterday, last week, last year are gone. You can say you have memories, but memories are really something you are doing (remembering) at this very moment. Memories don't exist outside of you remembering. In the same way, tomorrow isn't here yet and in a sense will always be in the future. You follow this, don't you?
Wanting, Remembering, Planning, Anticipating, Worrying are all things you do (at any given Now moment of time) to try and imagine the future or past in the current moment. All of these functions can be very useful (and sometimes enjoyable), but even these kinds of imaginings can only happen right Now.
So if all you really have (and ever will have) is Now, don't you think you should try to appreciate it?
This seemingly simple idea is strangely difficult to do, without practice. Some people suggest focusing on the sensations of your body and your breath to connect with your physical self in the current moment. Can you feel yourself breathe in and out? Can you feel the thick carpet under the soles of your feet, or hear the sounds of birds or the rhythmic hum of the refrigerator? Do you notice the patterns of clouds in the sky or the movement of the leaves of the tree you can see out of your window?
There is also the Appreciation of what you are doing right Now. Are you studying for a test? Then be aware of your desire to learn and let your mind focus on the words and ideas - your thoughts, your understanding of the concepts you are taking in. Are you walking your dog? Then notice your pet, the leash, the feel of sun on your skin, the sound of the approaching car. Are you reminiscing? Then notice yourself reminiscing and Appreciate your mind's ability to remember a time that is past, and people who are gone or changed and to feel all the things you feel Now, as you recall these events in your mind's eye.
And there is the Appreciation of what you have right Now. Maybe you crave a new baseball bat, but right now you can enjoy swinging the bat you have Now. Don't let your desire for the bat of the future take away from your pleasure Now of swinging your bat that you can hold in your hands. More important, I think, is to enjoy the people who are important to you right Now. You can connect with distant friends with a text or a call, or you can sit and talk with someone who can be with you in the same room.
And then of course there is the Big Daddy of Things to Appreciate: the Realization that you are Alive.
Here is the Zen part. All you ever really have is right Now. Yesterday, last week, last year are gone. You can say you have memories, but memories are really something you are doing (remembering) at this very moment. Memories don't exist outside of you remembering. In the same way, tomorrow isn't here yet and in a sense will always be in the future. You follow this, don't you?
Wanting, Remembering, Planning, Anticipating, Worrying are all things you do (at any given Now moment of time) to try and imagine the future or past in the current moment. All of these functions can be very useful (and sometimes enjoyable), but even these kinds of imaginings can only happen right Now.
So if all you really have (and ever will have) is Now, don't you think you should try to appreciate it?
This seemingly simple idea is strangely difficult to do, without practice. Some people suggest focusing on the sensations of your body and your breath to connect with your physical self in the current moment. Can you feel yourself breathe in and out? Can you feel the thick carpet under the soles of your feet, or hear the sounds of birds or the rhythmic hum of the refrigerator? Do you notice the patterns of clouds in the sky or the movement of the leaves of the tree you can see out of your window?
There is also the Appreciation of what you are doing right Now. Are you studying for a test? Then be aware of your desire to learn and let your mind focus on the words and ideas - your thoughts, your understanding of the concepts you are taking in. Are you walking your dog? Then notice your pet, the leash, the feel of sun on your skin, the sound of the approaching car. Are you reminiscing? Then notice yourself reminiscing and Appreciate your mind's ability to remember a time that is past, and people who are gone or changed and to feel all the things you feel Now, as you recall these events in your mind's eye.
And there is the Appreciation of what you have right Now. Maybe you crave a new baseball bat, but right now you can enjoy swinging the bat you have Now. Don't let your desire for the bat of the future take away from your pleasure Now of swinging your bat that you can hold in your hands. More important, I think, is to enjoy the people who are important to you right Now. You can connect with distant friends with a text or a call, or you can sit and talk with someone who can be with you in the same room.
And then of course there is the Big Daddy of Things to Appreciate: the Realization that you are Alive.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Wanting
Wanting (things, people, whatever...) must have evolved to help us get things we need. Food, Warmth, Sex, the new Iphone. If our distant ancestors didn't feel some internal drive to get these things we wouldn't be here now, right? So a Want feels like a hunger, a deep aching need to Get the satisfaction of that which we so crave. You know the expression "I want it so bad I can almost taste it!"
Here is the strange thing: that aching Want is actually more natural, more dependable than Getting.
I am not really against Getting. I enjoy many kinds of Getting and I bet you do too. A big smile from that cute kid you like, your favorite meal, the big present wrapped in the shiny paper. But there is a big problem with every Getting - that moment of pleasure, that satisfaction of the Want is great but it is fleeting. You know exactly what I mean. Think of the afternoon after Christmas when all the presents are opened, or the evening after the Thanksgiving meal, or the last day of summer break.
The pleasures of Wanting, however, are nearly infinite.
We have all indulged in the exquisite torment of planning for what we would do if we won the lottery. We imagine our perfect meal, or perfect date, or perfect game. Planning a trip or shopping for a car (if you can afford it) can be more exciting than the actual trip or car.
Why is this? Because Wanting is our natural state.
When we are young we want to be older; when we are older we want to be young again. When we are poor we want money; when we have money we want "the simple life."
We are born Wanting and I imagine most of us die Wanting. Wanting is part of living (and Wanting isn't necessarily selfish either, as most of us want good things for each other, our loved ones, humanity).
I make this point because I think we are misguided when we assume that we need to rush to satisfy every Want as soon as possible. Slow down, and savor your Wanting. Some Wants can be better than their satisfaction, and other Wants are never meant to be satisfied.
Here is the strange thing: that aching Want is actually more natural, more dependable than Getting.
I am not really against Getting. I enjoy many kinds of Getting and I bet you do too. A big smile from that cute kid you like, your favorite meal, the big present wrapped in the shiny paper. But there is a big problem with every Getting - that moment of pleasure, that satisfaction of the Want is great but it is fleeting. You know exactly what I mean. Think of the afternoon after Christmas when all the presents are opened, or the evening after the Thanksgiving meal, or the last day of summer break.
The pleasures of Wanting, however, are nearly infinite.
We have all indulged in the exquisite torment of planning for what we would do if we won the lottery. We imagine our perfect meal, or perfect date, or perfect game. Planning a trip or shopping for a car (if you can afford it) can be more exciting than the actual trip or car.
Why is this? Because Wanting is our natural state.
When we are young we want to be older; when we are older we want to be young again. When we are poor we want money; when we have money we want "the simple life."
We are born Wanting and I imagine most of us die Wanting. Wanting is part of living (and Wanting isn't necessarily selfish either, as most of us want good things for each other, our loved ones, humanity).
I make this point because I think we are misguided when we assume that we need to rush to satisfy every Want as soon as possible. Slow down, and savor your Wanting. Some Wants can be better than their satisfaction, and other Wants are never meant to be satisfied.
Monday, April 1, 2013
The Secret of Getting Older
OK, getting older is pretty crummy in a lot of ways. You will get lumpy, saggy, achey, and you will be boggled by technology that toddlers use intuitively.
But the very best thing about getting older, the thing that makes up for all of the other stuff is this: as you get older you realize that you don't really have to care what other people think of you.
I can remember feeling so painfully aware of almost every social interaction. How I dressed, how I looked, what I said or didn't say were all so very important that I might ruminate over the most minute details while I lay in bed each night. And it didn't just seem important what other kids thought of me, it really was important. Reputation and Social Hierarchy ruled almost every interaction. We are certainly primates through and through.
But getting older lets you bypass all this, and here is how: It is not because as you age you have more power or less power (both are true). It is because as you get older you begin to realize you will die someday. Maybe not someday soon, but certainly sooner than it used to be.
And while this is scary and a little sad, it is also tremendously freeing.
Because once you realize that your time on this earth is limited, you begin to appreciate how valuable it really is. Each day, even the rainy ones, are small treasures that will just pass and you begin to want to slow them all down and notice every detail you can. The way the light reflected on her hair, the sound of dry leaves crunching under your shoes, the delightful tickle of light fingertips brushing softly against your skin.
And more than this, you begin to stop worrying so much about beating other people, getting what they've got, or even more and more and more. Instead you start to notice lots of small things about people (almost everyone) that make you smile, or breaks your heart just a little. You see that others' happiness and sorrow are really just like yours, and it makes it so much easier to love them - all of them - at least some of the time. They are dying too, just like you are, and they way they all keep going will seem almost brave to you.
I know you don't exactly believe me, but try to imagine it if you can...
But the very best thing about getting older, the thing that makes up for all of the other stuff is this: as you get older you realize that you don't really have to care what other people think of you.
I can remember feeling so painfully aware of almost every social interaction. How I dressed, how I looked, what I said or didn't say were all so very important that I might ruminate over the most minute details while I lay in bed each night. And it didn't just seem important what other kids thought of me, it really was important. Reputation and Social Hierarchy ruled almost every interaction. We are certainly primates through and through.
But getting older lets you bypass all this, and here is how: It is not because as you age you have more power or less power (both are true). It is because as you get older you begin to realize you will die someday. Maybe not someday soon, but certainly sooner than it used to be.
And while this is scary and a little sad, it is also tremendously freeing.
Because once you realize that your time on this earth is limited, you begin to appreciate how valuable it really is. Each day, even the rainy ones, are small treasures that will just pass and you begin to want to slow them all down and notice every detail you can. The way the light reflected on her hair, the sound of dry leaves crunching under your shoes, the delightful tickle of light fingertips brushing softly against your skin.
And more than this, you begin to stop worrying so much about beating other people, getting what they've got, or even more and more and more. Instead you start to notice lots of small things about people (almost everyone) that make you smile, or breaks your heart just a little. You see that others' happiness and sorrow are really just like yours, and it makes it so much easier to love them - all of them - at least some of the time. They are dying too, just like you are, and they way they all keep going will seem almost brave to you.
I know you don't exactly believe me, but try to imagine it if you can...
Why?
Ford and Morgan, I have started writing this for you.
OK, I know what you are thinking: you have spent your whole lives listening to all kinds of useless stuff from me, why would you want to have to hear it all again?
But here is what I am counting on - that if I write down my thoughts and hopes and even advice for you, then someday in the future you might look at this, and think about these things for yourself. Of course, I also hope you remember some of the best of me, and laugh a little too.
I love you both more than you will know, at least until you have kids of your own.
Dad.
OK, I know what you are thinking: you have spent your whole lives listening to all kinds of useless stuff from me, why would you want to have to hear it all again?
But here is what I am counting on - that if I write down my thoughts and hopes and even advice for you, then someday in the future you might look at this, and think about these things for yourself. Of course, I also hope you remember some of the best of me, and laugh a little too.
I love you both more than you will know, at least until you have kids of your own.
Dad.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)